"'Manipulation' is when they blame you for your reaction to their toxic behavior, but never discuss their disrespect that triggered you." This was a quote I saw as I perused my Facebook earlier this week. In fact, it was my cousin who posted this very quote. I'm not sure who actually said this, but whoever they are, they're absolutely right and I couldn't help but ponder this little saying. It's almost eerie just how much this quote has applied in my life from, we'll say, summer of 2014 to summer of 2019. 5 whole years. That's a long time. During the course of those 5 years, I was young, naive and just newly discovering how Autism Spectrum Disorder actually affects me specifically in my young adulthood. All three of those things made me such an easy target to manipulate and mess with. So easy it was disgusting. I've come up with my own series of "He always wanted to talk about this (in other words, blame me), but never about...." statements based on my own real life experiences with He Who Shall Not Be Named. They illustrate what it's really like to be in a relationship or marriage with a manipulator, although manipulation can look all sorts of ways, keep in mind! Here goes....
He always wanted to talk about how he was so astonished that I didn't know a lot about sex and how I should have known more by then, but never about his own issues with pornography that was likely giving him unrealistic expectations of women in the first place. (Um, did we grow up in the same church? Hmmm...)
He always wanted to talk about how I wasn't giving him sex when he wanted or the way he wanted it because I "didn't care about his needs", but never about how his own toxic behavior, words and actions regarding sex made me so freaking uncomfortable and put me under pressure that it was no wonder I didn't want to. ("I didn't care about his needs", my butt! I bent over backwards and fought my discomforts hard for this jerk and he knows it)
He always wanted to talk about how much I wasn't even trying to "give him what he needs", but never about the time he wrongfully cheated on me behind my back with another woman through inappropriate Facebook messenger conversations about things the two of us should have been openly talking about like grown-ups and even a date without my knowledge. (Essentially, he was actually giving up on communicating with me the way he claimed I was giving up on communicating with him. Because he would NEVER give up on me but I WOULD give up on him. Riiiiiiight.....)
He always wanted to talk about how he would have never married me if he had known how much my autism would affect me and how I do things as though I never properly informed him or something, but never about how he manipulatively and immaturely charmed his way into convincing me over and over again into progressing our relationship way faster than it should have ever gone instead of taking it slow like sane, reasonable people. (You know, so we could actually get to know each other and see if we are actually compatible to be married at all, regardless of disability or whatever)
He always wanted to talk about how we wouldn't have any of our problems if I would just go to the doctor and quit being a baby about it, but never about the fact that maybe I would consider it if he would have just listened to and tried to understand my concerns, anxieties, fears and traumas that surround my aversion and kindly talk me through them instead of berating me all the time about it.
He always wanted to talk about how I was so very wrong and terrible for hitting him the few times I did, but never about any of his insults or total uncalled for rudeness when I wanted to talk to him and try to work things out. (DISCLAIMER: Of course I don't think it was acceptable for me to hit him ever. Like I've said before, I'm absolutely not proud of this in the slightest and have done better since. There always is a reason people do these things, but those reasons never make them actually okay to do and I recognize that 100%! The point I am illustrating here is my wrong behavior was all he ever wanted to focus on and never his own wrong behavior that quite frankly led to my wrong behavior, if you get my drift. As you can see with all the other statements, this manipulative behavior is not just a one time occurrence, but a pattern that lasted over the course of a few years)
Reading these statements, I hope you got from them that the point of all of them is that these are manipulative behaviors because he only wanted to focus on what I did wrong in his eyes and shift all the blame onto me with his words and mind games. He never wanted to look inward and recognize or own his role in our mess. Nothing was his fault in his eyes. He could do no wrong to me or anyone. It was always my fault or someone else's, never his. Like the quote I introduced this post with said, he would always blame me for all of my reactions to his toxic behavior and never discuss his disrespect that triggered any of those reactions because he seriously believed he didn't do anything. All of this is manipulation at its finest. I let him convince me I was always at fault to the bitter end of things with us until he left and I full on realized what he was really doing that entire time. Now he can never fool me again nor can anyone else. Something I have learned in my marriage to my loving husband, Farris, is that nothing in a truly healthy marriage will ever be one sided like it was with He Who Shall Not Be Named. Farris and I take responsibility for our own actions and words. We have no problem talking through any of our feelings about anything. He tries to listen the best he can and so do I. We are a team in this together, not against each other, in the safe environment we have created since we started dating in November 2020. No pointing fingers or blaming each other whatsoever. None of this "I can do no wrong" nonsense.
If you are finding yourself in a relationship where your partner is being manipulative or are a fellow person recovering from a manipulative partner, I hope my words have helped you today. Sometimes, I am still questioning my worth and whether I am actually a good person as a result of all the manipulation I endured in my first marriage. Writing this out was my way of helping myself get my thoughts out and giving myself something to refer back to whenever I have thoughts that I'm not a good person or spouse. This way, I can just read this and remember I wasn't the only one who did things wrong and that I'm not the only one who makes mistakes.
