He Will Always Want to Talk About This, but Never About That- The Anatomy of a Manipulator

 "'Manipulation' is when they blame you for your reaction to their toxic behavior, but never discuss their disrespect that triggered you." This was a quote I saw as I perused my Facebook earlier this week. In fact, it was my cousin who posted this very quote. I'm not sure who actually said this, but whoever they are, they're absolutely right and I couldn't help but ponder this little saying. It's almost eerie just how much this quote has applied in my life from, we'll say, summer of 2014 to summer of 2019. 5 whole years. That's a long time. During the course of those 5 years, I was young, naive and just newly discovering how Autism Spectrum Disorder actually affects me specifically in my young adulthood. All three of those things made me such an easy target to manipulate and mess with. So easy it was disgusting. I've come up with my own series of "He always wanted to talk about this (in other words, blame me), but never about...." statements based on my own real life experiences with He Who Shall Not Be Named. They illustrate what it's really like to be in a relationship or marriage with a manipulator, although manipulation can look all sorts of ways, keep in mind! Here goes....

He always wanted to talk about how he was so astonished that I didn't know a lot about sex and how I should have known more by then, but never about his own issues with pornography that was likely giving him unrealistic expectations of women in the first place. (Um, did we grow up in the same church? Hmmm...)

He always wanted to talk about how I wasn't giving him sex when he wanted or the way he wanted it because I "didn't care about his needs", but never about how his own toxic behavior, words and actions regarding sex made me so freaking uncomfortable and put me under pressure that it was no wonder I didn't want to. ("I didn't care about his needs", my butt! I bent over backwards and fought my discomforts hard for this jerk and he knows it)

He always wanted to talk about how much I wasn't even trying to "give him what he needs", but never about the time he wrongfully cheated on me behind my back with another woman through inappropriate Facebook messenger conversations about things the two of us should have been openly talking about like grown-ups and even a date without my knowledge. (Essentially, he was actually giving up on communicating with me the way he claimed I was giving up on communicating with him. Because he would NEVER give up on me but I WOULD give up on him. Riiiiiiight.....)

He always wanted to talk about how he would have never married me if he had known how much my autism would affect me and how I do things as though I never properly informed him or something, but never about how he manipulatively and immaturely charmed his way into convincing me over and over again into progressing our relationship way faster than it should have ever gone instead of taking it slow like sane, reasonable people. (You know, so we could actually get to know each other and see if we are actually compatible to be married at all, regardless of disability or whatever)

He always wanted to talk about how we wouldn't have any of our problems if I would just go to the doctor and quit being a baby about it, but never about the fact that maybe I would consider it if he would have just listened to and tried to understand my concerns, anxieties, fears and traumas that surround my aversion and kindly talk me through them instead of berating me all the time about it. 

He always wanted to talk about how I was so very wrong and terrible for hitting him the few times I did, but never about any of his insults or total uncalled for rudeness when I wanted to talk to him and try to work things out. (DISCLAIMER: Of course I don't think it was acceptable for me to hit him ever. Like I've said before, I'm absolutely not proud of this in the slightest and have done better since. There always is a reason people do these things, but those reasons never make them actually okay to do and I recognize that 100%! The point I am illustrating here is my wrong behavior was all he ever wanted to focus on and never his own wrong behavior that quite frankly led to my wrong behavior, if you get my drift. As you can see with all the other statements, this manipulative behavior is not just a one time occurrence, but a pattern that lasted over the course of a few years)

Reading these statements, I hope you got from them that the point of all of them is that these are manipulative behaviors because he only wanted to focus on what I did wrong in his eyes and shift all the blame onto me with his words and mind games. He never wanted to look inward and recognize or own his role in our mess. Nothing was his fault in his eyes. He could do no wrong to me or anyone. It was always my fault or someone else's, never his. Like the quote I introduced this post with said, he would always blame me for all of my reactions to his toxic behavior and never discuss his disrespect that triggered any of those reactions because he seriously believed he didn't do anything. All of this is manipulation at its finest. I let him convince me I was always at fault to the bitter end of things with us until he left and I full on realized what he was really doing that entire time. Now he can never fool me again nor can anyone else. Something I have learned in my marriage to my loving husband, Farris, is that nothing in a truly healthy marriage will ever be one sided like it was with He Who Shall Not Be Named. Farris and I take responsibility for our own actions and words. We have no problem talking through any of our feelings about anything. He tries to listen the best he can and so do I. We are a team in this together, not against each other, in the safe environment we have created since we started dating in November 2020. No pointing fingers or blaming each other whatsoever. None of this "I can do no wrong" nonsense. 

If you are finding yourself in a relationship where your partner is being manipulative or are a fellow person recovering from a manipulative partner, I hope my words have helped you today. Sometimes, I am still questioning my worth and whether I am actually a good person as a result of all the manipulation I endured in my first marriage. Writing this out was my way of helping myself get my thoughts out and giving myself something to refer back to whenever I have thoughts that I'm not a good person or spouse. This way, I can just read this and remember I wasn't the only one who did things wrong and that I'm not the only one who makes mistakes. 

I Know My Truth And No One Can Take It From Me

What's up, everyone? Today is obviously going to be one of those posts that clearly looks like I just needed to write in order to process something. Because I am processing it. I'm tired of processing it too. I don't know why I can't stop processing this very thing. I really wish it didn't weigh on me as much as it does, believe me. I guarantee you 100% this is much more difficult for me to bear than it is for you to hear it. Just being real, here. It may even look like part 2 of my previous post several months ago, depending on how you want to look at it. 

I was contacted back in February by what I assume to be my ex husband's bishop. It was through Facebook messenger of all places. He requested a letter from me in order to process this man's sealing clearance. Facebook messenger? Regarding such a personal matter between two people and their absolutely messy past? SERIOUSLY???? How freaking dare that bishop. I'd really love to put him in his place for obvious reasons. Anyways. If you know anything that my ex did to me, you can only imagine what kind of crazy mixed bag of emotions this brought to me that day. I cried. I took in the disrespect (and maybe smashed it with an imaginary hammer....hee hee). I remembered once again all sorts of things I never wanted to remember ever again, such as all the lies, the heartbreak, the cheating, the gaslighting, the verbal abuse he gave me frequently over something that was supposed to be so beautiful, the constant questioning of my worth as a woman and human in general to him and to anyone really as a result of said abuse, and every single one of my reactions to all of these things. And I mean it: every. single. one. Some of these reactions, I had to confess and repent for, as well as accept responsibility for them. But any of the things he did? Oh no! He was never the problem. He doesn't need to do anything (sarcasm intended).

Some people may think I'm full of crap for saying the things I'm saying about him. That I'm the bad guy, when really, I'm just telling the facts about the things that were done and said, and even my role in it too (I'll own my stuff! I have no issue with it! Try me!). That it was just a sad, unfortunate situation we got ourselves into. That I don't know what I'm talking about. That I'm making this stuff up because "why would he do those things to anyone? He's such a nice guy." Well, I'm here to tell y'all this: 1. You were not behind those closed doors when these things happened. Consider yourself fortunate you were not. 2. You aren't the one who had to endure constant demeaning, insulting, disrespectful, abusive comments from this man you think is "so nice to everyone." 3. You aren't the one who will have to work hard with lots of therapy to get to a point where his abuse will no longer affect you to your core despite being in a happy relationship now (because, you know, getting remarried to a safer person doesn't fix everything nor is it meant to). 4. Yeah, he may have talked me up in public like I was the best woman he ever met and he loved everything about me. Little do you realize that's what he had to do to cover up what he really thought of me in private. No one wants to outright look like a man who mistreats his wife with his words. Because that's just wrong and embarrassing, don't you know? 

Abusers do whatever they can to hide who they really are. They have to protect their image. It's got to be so exhausting for them. Wouldn't it be much easier to just be a decent human being in the first place? Apparently some people in this world don't think so. Just read "Safe Haven" by Nicholas Sparks and you'll get a pretty good idea of how an abuser thinks and acts. Although it's in a fictional sense, Sparks nails it on the head when writing the abuser's side of things and describing what and how he thinks. There doesn't have to be physical abuse for any of my words to be valid or true either-an all too common misconception. Abuse is abuse no matter what kind.

My point is you don't have to believe what I'm saying about him if you don't want to. That's fine. You can believe whatever you want. But, I know everything he did to me and that will never change. I know how he tricked me and gaslit me into questioning my character and my reality of my worth as a human being in a marital relationship. I know how he portrayed himself. I know he blamed me for lots of things that were definitely partially his fault or that he started with his pre-established, rigid mindset and high expectations. I know he never saw how he was part of the problem and I always noticed how high he thought of himself in comparison to me. It wasn't that hard to tell. It was well apparent in his attitudes, tones of voice he used, and his word choices in regards to certain situations we were faced with. I still hear some of his derogatory comments to me word for word in my mind at times when the right trigger comes along. They're things no loving person would ever say to their spouse under any circumstance, that much I will say here. But somehow, I was his amazing wife in public as he often portrayed me? Hmm....so many conflicting things here aren't there? I know my truth with what happened in my failed marriage and no one can ever take that from me. My truth is so very real as I experienced those things, whether others want to believe he did those things or not. 

Other people may think "geez, when will she get over this? Does she not remember that she's so much happier now with her current husband?" Well, in a counseling session with my counselor, she talked with me about how my thoughts and feelings that I'm still processing to this day come from a place of trauma in this situation, never a place of love. She is so right. Everything I'm thinking and feeling is coming from that place of trauma where I was so badly verbally abused by my ex to the point where my worth has been questioned many times even to this day. I don't still love him. Oh hell no! I'm definitely over being married to him and I'm definitely so much happier and safer with my current, wonderful husband. But my trauma will always be real unfortunately as much as I wish it wasn't. Trauma is where these feelings will always come from. I mean, really, how could they not when his comments were as horrible as they were at the time? That is what everyone needs to understand. This is exactly why when a friend or loved one tells you they've essentially been abused with what they are telling you, the best thing you can do as their friend is simply say "I believe you and I'm here for you." Us abuse victims just want to know someone is on our side and believes us. Yes, I hate my ex. No, we're not supposed to hate people. But in this case, I get to hate him for what he did for as long as I want to. And if you want to hate him with me, please be my guest. Maybe one day, I'll stop hating him. But today is not that day.