What's up, everyone? Today is obviously going to be one of those posts that clearly looks like I just needed to write in order to process something. Because I am processing it. I'm tired of processing it too. I don't know why I can't stop processing this very thing. I really wish it didn't weigh on me as much as it does, believe me. I guarantee you 100% this is much more difficult for me to bear than it is for you to hear it. Just being real, here. It may even look like part 2 of my previous post several months ago, depending on how you want to look at it.
I was contacted back in February by what I assume to be my ex husband's bishop. It was through Facebook messenger of all places. He requested a letter from me in order to process this man's sealing clearance. Facebook messenger? Regarding such a personal matter between two people and their absolutely messy past? SERIOUSLY???? How freaking dare that bishop. I'd really love to put him in his place for obvious reasons. Anyways. If you know anything that my ex did to me, you can only imagine what kind of crazy mixed bag of emotions this brought to me that day. I cried. I took in the disrespect (and maybe smashed it with an imaginary hammer....hee hee). I remembered once again all sorts of things I never wanted to remember ever again, such as all the lies, the heartbreak, the cheating, the gaslighting, the verbal abuse he gave me frequently over something that was supposed to be so beautiful, the constant questioning of my worth as a woman and human in general to him and to anyone really as a result of said abuse, and every single one of my reactions to all of these things. And I mean it: every. single. one. Some of these reactions, I had to confess and repent for, as well as accept responsibility for them. But any of the things he did? Oh no! He was never the problem. He doesn't need to do anything (sarcasm intended).
Some people may think I'm full of crap for saying the things I'm saying about him. That I'm the bad guy, when really, I'm just telling the facts about the things that were done and said, and even my role in it too (I'll own my stuff! I have no issue with it! Try me!). That it was just a sad, unfortunate situation we got ourselves into. That I don't know what I'm talking about. That I'm making this stuff up because "why would he do those things to anyone? He's such a nice guy." Well, I'm here to tell y'all this: 1. You were not behind those closed doors when these things happened. Consider yourself fortunate you were not. 2. You aren't the one who had to endure constant demeaning, insulting, disrespectful, abusive comments from this man you think is "so nice to everyone." 3. You aren't the one who will have to work hard with lots of therapy to get to a point where his abuse will no longer affect you to your core despite being in a happy relationship now (because, you know, getting remarried to a safer person doesn't fix everything nor is it meant to). 4. Yeah, he may have talked me up in public like I was the best woman he ever met and he loved everything about me. Little do you realize that's what he had to do to cover up what he really thought of me in private. No one wants to outright look like a man who mistreats his wife with his words. Because that's just wrong and embarrassing, don't you know?
Abusers do whatever they can to hide who they really are. They have to protect their image. It's got to be so exhausting for them. Wouldn't it be much easier to just be a decent human being in the first place? Apparently some people in this world don't think so. Just read "Safe Haven" by Nicholas Sparks and you'll get a pretty good idea of how an abuser thinks and acts. Although it's in a fictional sense, Sparks nails it on the head when writing the abuser's side of things and describing what and how he thinks. There doesn't have to be physical abuse for any of my words to be valid or true either-an all too common misconception. Abuse is abuse no matter what kind.
My point is you don't have to believe what I'm saying about him if you don't want to. That's fine. You can believe whatever you want. But, I know everything he did to me and that will never change. I know how he tricked me and gaslit me into questioning my character and my reality of my worth as a human being in a marital relationship. I know how he portrayed himself. I know he blamed me for lots of things that were definitely partially his fault or that he started with his pre-established, rigid mindset and high expectations. I know he never saw how he was part of the problem and I always noticed how high he thought of himself in comparison to me. It wasn't that hard to tell. It was well apparent in his attitudes, tones of voice he used, and his word choices in regards to certain situations we were faced with. I still hear some of his derogatory comments to me word for word in my mind at times when the right trigger comes along. They're things no loving person would ever say to their spouse under any circumstance, that much I will say here. But somehow, I was his amazing wife in public as he often portrayed me? Hmm....so many conflicting things here aren't there? I know my truth with what happened in my failed marriage and no one can ever take that from me. My truth is so very real as I experienced those things, whether others want to believe he did those things or not.
Other people may think "geez, when will she get over this? Does she not remember that she's so much happier now with her current husband?" Well, in a counseling session with my counselor, she talked with me about how my thoughts and feelings that I'm still processing to this day come from a place of trauma in this situation, never a place of love. She is so right. Everything I'm thinking and feeling is coming from that place of trauma where I was so badly verbally abused by my ex to the point where my worth has been questioned many times even to this day. I don't still love him. Oh hell no! I'm definitely over being married to him and I'm definitely so much happier and safer with my current, wonderful husband. But my trauma will always be real unfortunately as much as I wish it wasn't. Trauma is where these feelings will always come from. I mean, really, how could they not when his comments were as horrible as they were at the time? That is what everyone needs to understand. This is exactly why when a friend or loved one tells you they've essentially been abused with what they are telling you, the best thing you can do as their friend is simply say "I believe you and I'm here for you." Us abuse victims just want to know someone is on our side and believes us. Yes, I hate my ex. No, we're not supposed to hate people. But in this case, I get to hate him for what he did for as long as I want to. And if you want to hate him with me, please be my guest. Maybe one day, I'll stop hating him. But today is not that day.
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