Guys, I have finally survived my first bout of writer's block and I finally know what to write about now! Today's topic is obsession and perfectionism. As an autistic individual, I am totally an obsessor over the very serious things that are on my mind at any given time. It can be bad enough to the point where I cannot let go of it no matter how hard I try. I can also be a perfectionist in such a way that I feel like I have to do things right the first time or else I'm a piece of crap that only knows how to mess up. This is going to be a pretty vulnerable post. Brace yourself and please be kind in the comments if you so choose to leave them.
When I say I am an obsessor, I mean that when something serious is on my mind, that is the only thing I can think about and talk about with others until it goes away somehow. I don't exactly know why I do this. Maybe it's therapeutic for me? Maybe somehow if I talk about it enough, I'll finally know what I need to do to punch the problem out? Maybe it's just my way of getting it out of my mind and it takes more than one time of talking about it to get the job done? It's probably a combination of all three. It's usually those people I feel most comfortable around that fall victim to my obsessing. I do feel bad when I catch myself talking about the same thing I just talked about hours ago or a day ago. My dear friends and family probably think "oh dear, here we go again....." But thankfully, most of them seem to be pretty understanding and supportive anyway and I'm thankful for that very much. Lately, for the sake of my friends and family, I have tried hard to work on changing the subject in my conversations when I find myself obsessing over something. Some days, I'm pretty successful and I celebrate that. Other days, not so much. I do this by remembering I pretty much have said everything that I need to say about the situation and now I'm just repeating myself over and over. Repeating myself tends to happen a lot when I'm obsessing. When I remember that I'm repeating myself over and over now, it's easy for me to be like "Okay, that must be annoying for someone, so think of something else to talk about for now. It may actually help you even more." Maybe if I still need to process feelings in order to resolve the serious things on my mind, I can just journal those things on my own time.
Obsessing over things can sometimes lead to analyzing myself a little too much and too harshly, which is where perfectionism creeps its way in. Let me start this off with a story. At work, I had to work one-on-one with a student to help him with reading and test-taking. This kid was pretty smart, had such impressive articulation and he read very well. He would get just about every single word right! I was so proud of him! But, he was really slow when reading. I didn't understand it at all. Why could he get every word right but read so slowly? It drove me crazy sometimes. However, I had to realize two things here in order to be as patient as possible: 1. He is a kid and learning all those phonics rules and reading skills can be overwhelming. 2. He was a kid who seemed to feel very strongly that he had to get everything right the first time. He couldn't get anything wrong. He likely read very slowly so he could be as careful as possible so as to not sound out a single word wrong. Not sure why he felt this way, but he just did. I remember doing at least a few tests with him one-on-one and I could just tell when he didn't know the answer. Most kids just guess when they don't know. He just stared and stared at the question and wouldn't make a single mark, like he was waiting for someone to just tell him what it was so he wouldn't get it wrong. Maybe he felt like if he got anything wrong once, he was a bad kid who doesn't know anything. Obviously, that was not true at all. But, I don't know for sure what went through his mind.
Anyways, the point of that story is to illustrate that this kid reminds me of myself in a way. The thoughts that likely ran through his mind during those situations I described may have been a lot like my thoughts when I do something wrong or make mistakes. The very second I know I've made a mistake of some kind, no matter how big or small it was, I am way too hard on myself. I beat myself up, saying things like "Why did I do this?? I hate myself for doing this. I'm a horrible person. I'm so embarrassed right now. How could I have been so stupid?" What also happens when I realize I made a mistake is I tend to obsess over my mistake and it's the only thing I can focus on and talk about for a little while. In situations like this, my anxiety goes through the roof and usually I need a lot of reassurance and comfort from friends and family. And the ones that are truly there for me are very patient (sometimes, it takes more than one round of reassurance to get me to calm down, accept what they've said, and feel okay again), loving, and they really try to understand what I'm saying to them. Another thing I have done recently to help me through these moments is to remember one or two positive things a friend or family member has said to me and it makes me feel better instantly. I also try to remember what I've learned from the event to soothe my feelings and just tell myself "You will get it right next time. You've learned many things from this. It will be okay! You don't suck as a person for this." If it appears I'm not trying to calm myself down when you try to reassure me and comfort me, I can assure to you I am trying really hard. Sometimes, it's just difficult and it takes a lot of time to do this depending on the mistake I made that day.
I'm currently going through a major life event where obsession and perfectionism have definitely met up with each other very intensely. My husband of 4 1/2 years has chosen to file for divorce from me. Of course I obsessed in my mind over everything that went totally wrong in our marriage. It got so bad to the point where I couldn't stop feeling partially responsible for HIS leaving and I beat the crap out of myself for it. How did I not see the red flags before marrying him? Look at all these happily married people and I'm too dumb to pick the right man for me! How could I fail so badly at marriage? What horrible things could I have possibly done that he needed to ask for a divorce from me? Why did I put up with this mess for 4 1/2 years of my life? I'll admit I made mistakes of my own, so did he, but did any of them really deserve a divorce? Especially if I worked hard to make things right? I don't think so, but whatever. All this event means to me now is it says who he really is and I don't need him anymore. At first, I just didn't understand why I couldn't get this marriage thing right the first time and it killed me to the core! I felt like such an awful person. But guess what? I am gonna be OKAY. You know why? Because I got this. I am going to grow, rebuild my confidence, rise above what I went through, and become a healthier me mentally and emotionally. I now know how to fight these perfectionist feelings through the help of my close friends and loving family. Through their love and support, I now know I am not an awful person because this happened. I didn't screw up as badly as I might have been led to think. I did everything I could to fight for the marriage to work. I worked through my own issues as best as I could. That's all anyone can ask of me. What I did was absolutely enough. Whenever I'm too hard on myself in this circumstance, I look at the big picture and turn to Heavenly Father for ultimate reliance. After all, Heavenly Father is the best one to rely on. When I can do those two things, I give myself a little more love and credit. I start to forgive myself more for whatever my faults and mistakes were. Instead of beating myself up for everything I did wrong and for being a fool for not recognizing important things earlier on, I begin to see it as an opportunity to grow, learn from it, and become a better version of me. I realize that this really is going to be for the best. I start to become excited to start over like I wanted to. As I become a healthier version of me, I can envision all of those terrible, perfectionist-like feelings I listed earlier going away for good and never coming back ever again.
Don't be afraid to open up to people you trust about your perfectionist feelings about serious mistakes you've made or when you feel like you're at an all time low with something happening in your life. We all have these feelings from time to time. When you do so, you learn a lot more about yourself, possibly more about a situation, you get a better idea of what to do next time, and you realize you're not so bad after all.
Friday, June 21, 2019
Tuesday, June 11, 2019
A Little Bit About My Past
So I thought my next post should be about some elements of what my past was like growing up with Autism. It's not all bad, I promise! As a preface, I do not write this to hold grudges against people or to shame anyone for what they've done. I write this to help you understand that what I did go through is real and it might affect why I am the way I am now. I absolutely DO NOT use past experiences as a crutch or excuse to say "Oh well. This is what it is. This is me. I can't change." If anything, I have definitely grown from my past experiences and now I know what to tolerate and what not to. I now know what to do differently in many situations as well.
Let me just start off by saying I was quirky. I still am. That probably won’t change much. By this, I mean that I walk on my toes sometimes, talk to myself, don’t have much of a filter at times when speaking (this has very much improved over the years with maturity, thank goodness!), had my obsessions that changed from phase to phase, and would think that certain things were just so funny but no one else thought so (that has probably changed a little over time with maturity too). Some of these things led to being made fun of by people. Others just outright hurt other people’s feelings and caused many disagreements between friends and I didn’t understand why at first.
I’m pretty sure walking on my toes, skipping in the hallways in elementary school when I was supposed to be walking like everyone else, talking to myself, humming to myself in unconventional places, and laughing so hard at things that weren’t that funny are the things people made fun of me for. These were my quirks that people probably thought were weird. I don’t blame them. If I was neurotypical and I saw someone doing these things, I’d probably be thinking “what’s with him/her?” too. These things were probably part of what made it difficult for me to fit in with everyone else. I never felt like I quite fit in anywhere at school. I didn’t really know why either. I could not expect people I went to elementary, middle, high school or church with to understand why I did those things and acted in such quirky ways. This is because I did not understand why myself at the time. I thought I was just your average person who acted in average ways. Even if I did understand, I still cannot expect others to understand because Autism is such a complex and grown-up concept and it’s just hard for young kids or teenagers to understand completely. For that reason alone, I do not hold the many experiences of being made fun of against anyone I used to go to school or church with. However, even if we don’t completely understand why someone does what they do, we can still be kind to him or her. It’s not difficult to be kind to people. It doesn’t matter how quirky or average they are. We can choose to be kind and welcoming anyway. We may already be teaching our kids to choose to be kind to people around them. But alas, kids have their agency too and for whatever reason they have, they may still choose not to be kind to everyone. Either way, I’ve already forgiven them all and moved on. But, I still have my insecurities of what people might think of me when I walk up to them and introduce myself and I’ve worked hard to overcome those in recent years.
Having my obsessions about things and lacking a filter when speaking from time to time was what caused many disagreements and hurt feelings between me and my friends in my school years and church experiences. I would just be talking to my friends, sometimes explaining what I’m feeling or thinking of them in ways maybe I shouldn’t have, and all of a sudden, I made them mad and they excluded me from everything they did! A lot of those times, I was thinking “What did I say/do to make her so mad at me? How do I fix this?? I didn’t mean to do this to her!” Sometimes, we managed to patch things up, other times we didn’t and I lost friends because of this. It gave me so much anxiety to think that anything I say could just drive someone away like that, especially if I didn’t mean it in the way they took it to mean. Sometimes, I still have this anxiety and that’s why it’s sometimes difficult for me to reach out to people and talk about certain things. With time, though, I have definitely learned what things are okay to say, what things I may need to be careful in my phrasing with, and what things are never okay to say at all. I hope most people I know have been able to see this in me.
As an autistic individual, I also had my times where I just felt like I never quite fit in anywhere at school. I thought everyone was either way cooler than me and would never hang out with a dork like me or that they were people I just shouldn’t hang out with for reasons I don’t really remember anymore. This wasn’t meant to sound arrogant. I was just really shy and didn’t really feel like I could reach out to anyone or put myself out there. This was likely because I put myself out there in elementary school with the wrong kind of people for me and from that point on, I was just scared to put myself out there again. I had an experience with said group of friends that really hit home for me and taught me how I know my friends are really my friends. I was just hanging out with them and being my good old self. I was nothing but nice to them. Maybe I annoyed them a little, but I never said anything outright rude or mean to them. One day, apparently one of the girls thought I was acting really weird towards her and decided she knew what the signs of being gay are in 5th grade along with some other people who backed her up on it. She proceeded to tell these people that I was gay. My real friends at the time heard about this and told me what this girl said. My little 5th grade self was so confused and I asked my friends "She thinks I'm gay? What does gay mean?" They told me "It means you like like girls." I was SO shocked to hear that someone could say such a thing about me with such little knowledge and understanding of what being gay actually looks like. Like, no girl, I was just being me and if you can't handle that, just say it to my face. I knew right then that she was not my friend and whoever backed her up weren't my friends either. I still put myself out there after that little experience, but it was HARD. From that point on, I started to watch more carefully how people really treated me and it became easier over time for me to tell who actually wants to be my friend and who doesn't. It just seemed like no matter what I did or said, someone was put off by it and didn’t think I was worth their time. Yeah, I may have been a little weird, sometimes obsessive and sometimes annoying. But seriously. What did I do to turn so many people away? I will never know and it really doesn’t matter now.
The big thing that I learned from all my experiences and social encounters in my past is this. "Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." I thought this quote was by Dr. Seuss, but apparently according to google, this was actually said by a man named Bernard Baruch. Anyways, it's true. If people can't stand my quirks or my personality as an autistic individual, then they really don't matter and they're not the right people for me to be around. I know there are people out there that appreciate me and love me for who I am and it's not gonna be everyone I know. That's just how life works and it's okay! The ones who stick around by me despite my quirks and personality will forever be the ones that matter most to me and I will do my best to stay in touch with them. And the only way to discover who these people are is to put myself out there and not be afraid of what they think. If they don't like me or are off put by me, then I just move on and never see them again. If they stick around and appreciate me for me, then I call them my friends.
If you're reading this and you also have autism, do not be afraid to put yourself out there! And it's okay to feel a little hurt by people who decide they don't like you. Because it does hurt and you might wonder if anyone will like you. I have definitely felt that feeling before in my lifetime. Just pick yourself back up, don't give up on making friends, continue to put yourself out there and just be YOU! Because there is only one YOU out there and no one can take that from you. There are people out there that will find you worth spending time with and lovable as a person and you will feel the same about them.
Let me just start off by saying I was quirky. I still am. That probably won’t change much. By this, I mean that I walk on my toes sometimes, talk to myself, don’t have much of a filter at times when speaking (this has very much improved over the years with maturity, thank goodness!), had my obsessions that changed from phase to phase, and would think that certain things were just so funny but no one else thought so (that has probably changed a little over time with maturity too). Some of these things led to being made fun of by people. Others just outright hurt other people’s feelings and caused many disagreements between friends and I didn’t understand why at first.
I’m pretty sure walking on my toes, skipping in the hallways in elementary school when I was supposed to be walking like everyone else, talking to myself, humming to myself in unconventional places, and laughing so hard at things that weren’t that funny are the things people made fun of me for. These were my quirks that people probably thought were weird. I don’t blame them. If I was neurotypical and I saw someone doing these things, I’d probably be thinking “what’s with him/her?” too. These things were probably part of what made it difficult for me to fit in with everyone else. I never felt like I quite fit in anywhere at school. I didn’t really know why either. I could not expect people I went to elementary, middle, high school or church with to understand why I did those things and acted in such quirky ways. This is because I did not understand why myself at the time. I thought I was just your average person who acted in average ways. Even if I did understand, I still cannot expect others to understand because Autism is such a complex and grown-up concept and it’s just hard for young kids or teenagers to understand completely. For that reason alone, I do not hold the many experiences of being made fun of against anyone I used to go to school or church with. However, even if we don’t completely understand why someone does what they do, we can still be kind to him or her. It’s not difficult to be kind to people. It doesn’t matter how quirky or average they are. We can choose to be kind and welcoming anyway. We may already be teaching our kids to choose to be kind to people around them. But alas, kids have their agency too and for whatever reason they have, they may still choose not to be kind to everyone. Either way, I’ve already forgiven them all and moved on. But, I still have my insecurities of what people might think of me when I walk up to them and introduce myself and I’ve worked hard to overcome those in recent years.
Having my obsessions about things and lacking a filter when speaking from time to time was what caused many disagreements and hurt feelings between me and my friends in my school years and church experiences. I would just be talking to my friends, sometimes explaining what I’m feeling or thinking of them in ways maybe I shouldn’t have, and all of a sudden, I made them mad and they excluded me from everything they did! A lot of those times, I was thinking “What did I say/do to make her so mad at me? How do I fix this?? I didn’t mean to do this to her!” Sometimes, we managed to patch things up, other times we didn’t and I lost friends because of this. It gave me so much anxiety to think that anything I say could just drive someone away like that, especially if I didn’t mean it in the way they took it to mean. Sometimes, I still have this anxiety and that’s why it’s sometimes difficult for me to reach out to people and talk about certain things. With time, though, I have definitely learned what things are okay to say, what things I may need to be careful in my phrasing with, and what things are never okay to say at all. I hope most people I know have been able to see this in me.
As an autistic individual, I also had my times where I just felt like I never quite fit in anywhere at school. I thought everyone was either way cooler than me and would never hang out with a dork like me or that they were people I just shouldn’t hang out with for reasons I don’t really remember anymore. This wasn’t meant to sound arrogant. I was just really shy and didn’t really feel like I could reach out to anyone or put myself out there. This was likely because I put myself out there in elementary school with the wrong kind of people for me and from that point on, I was just scared to put myself out there again. I had an experience with said group of friends that really hit home for me and taught me how I know my friends are really my friends. I was just hanging out with them and being my good old self. I was nothing but nice to them. Maybe I annoyed them a little, but I never said anything outright rude or mean to them. One day, apparently one of the girls thought I was acting really weird towards her and decided she knew what the signs of being gay are in 5th grade along with some other people who backed her up on it. She proceeded to tell these people that I was gay. My real friends at the time heard about this and told me what this girl said. My little 5th grade self was so confused and I asked my friends "She thinks I'm gay? What does gay mean?" They told me "It means you like like girls." I was SO shocked to hear that someone could say such a thing about me with such little knowledge and understanding of what being gay actually looks like. Like, no girl, I was just being me and if you can't handle that, just say it to my face. I knew right then that she was not my friend and whoever backed her up weren't my friends either. I still put myself out there after that little experience, but it was HARD. From that point on, I started to watch more carefully how people really treated me and it became easier over time for me to tell who actually wants to be my friend and who doesn't. It just seemed like no matter what I did or said, someone was put off by it and didn’t think I was worth their time. Yeah, I may have been a little weird, sometimes obsessive and sometimes annoying. But seriously. What did I do to turn so many people away? I will never know and it really doesn’t matter now.
The big thing that I learned from all my experiences and social encounters in my past is this. "Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." I thought this quote was by Dr. Seuss, but apparently according to google, this was actually said by a man named Bernard Baruch. Anyways, it's true. If people can't stand my quirks or my personality as an autistic individual, then they really don't matter and they're not the right people for me to be around. I know there are people out there that appreciate me and love me for who I am and it's not gonna be everyone I know. That's just how life works and it's okay! The ones who stick around by me despite my quirks and personality will forever be the ones that matter most to me and I will do my best to stay in touch with them. And the only way to discover who these people are is to put myself out there and not be afraid of what they think. If they don't like me or are off put by me, then I just move on and never see them again. If they stick around and appreciate me for me, then I call them my friends.
If you're reading this and you also have autism, do not be afraid to put yourself out there! And it's okay to feel a little hurt by people who decide they don't like you. Because it does hurt and you might wonder if anyone will like you. I have definitely felt that feeling before in my lifetime. Just pick yourself back up, don't give up on making friends, continue to put yourself out there and just be YOU! Because there is only one YOU out there and no one can take that from you. There are people out there that will find you worth spending time with and lovable as a person and you will feel the same about them.
Wednesday, June 5, 2019
I Am a Person on the Autism Spectrum
Alright! First official post! I just thought I would write this as an introductory crash course on what Autism is and what it looks like when you see me, specifically. I would like to start with a quote:
"If you've met one person with Autism, you've met one person with Autism." -Dr. Stephen Shore
According to autism-society.org, "Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is a complex developmental disability. Signs typically appear during early childhood and affect a person's ability to communicate and interact with others. ASD is defined by a certain set of behaviors and is a "spectrum condition" that affects individuals differently and to varying degrees." According to them, some signs include "delayed learning of language; difficulty making eye contact or holding a conversation; difficulty with executive functioning, which relates to reasoning and planning; narrow, intense interests; poor motor skills and sensory sensitivities."
The signs of Autism that I believe apply to me most are difficulty making eye contact, difficulty holding a conversation, difficulty with executive functioning, intense interests, and sensory sensitivities. Let me explain what each one looks like for me.
Difficulty making eye contact is pretty straightforward. I don't always make eye contact with people when they talk to me! I try to remember to do it as often as possible because it is what society is used to. But, I am not perfect and sometimes I will forget or not be aware that I am not making eye contact with you. It's not because I don't like you or that I'm not interested in what you are saying! Please do not ever think this when talking to me! I promise, I AM listening and I AM interested in what you have to say. For some reason, prolonged eye contact with someone is just difficult for me. I get uncomfortable with the idea of having to look at someone for a long period of time. It feels like I am just staring at them and I don't like feeling like I'm staring at someone because I hate when people stare at me. It's hard for me to know if people are uncomfortable with me looking at them for that long. It's nothing against anyone at all. Really, it isn't. I'm still gonna try my best to maintain eye contact, but please be patient with me and know that I'm doing my best and I won't get it right every time. But, I do try.
Difficulty holding a conversation is also pretty straightforward. I struggle A LOT to hold a good conversation with someone I care about, let alone figure out what to even talk about! Seriously! I don't know how y'all do it! How can y'all just come up with things to talk about and then talk and talk about that for awhile? I know there's probably no real secret to it, but sometimes I wish there was and that I knew it. I have always felt socially awkward. I have always struggled with my social interactions. I feel like I hardly know what to say or what to do in a social situation. It makes my anxiety go crazy! I worry a lot about doing or saying the wrong things. Or I worry about what will happen if I approach a certain person just to say "hi." Communication is difficult for me as well. I may talk really fast to the point of making basic grammar errors in my speech because I'm nervous and then people will have no idea what I just said and then I look like an idiot. Or sometimes, I will say something that made total sense in my head but made sense to absolutely no one else. Or people may say things that make sense to them, but not to me. Sometimes, I also get so nervous and anxiety gets to me so bad under pressure that I lose all train of thought and then I end up just stumbling every word and that does not help to effectively communicate in an important situation. Arrgghhh the never ending struggle of communication! When communicating with me, please know that I am also trying in this area. I am trying to use more effective communication when communicating what it is I need or want. I sometimes don't know how to put things into words. But, I am trying every step of the way. Something that might ease my social anxiety and uneasiness in social situations might be to just include me! Start talking to me about something. Anything really. When you reach out to me and try to include me in any kind of discussion, it lets me know that I am welcome there and I instantly become more comfortable with the social situation. And I may have good things to contribute! You just never know unless you try.
I'll keep the next two short now that I've gotten two big ones out of the way! Difficulty with executive functioning for me looks a little something like this. I know that I need to plan for something. But I procrastinate and procrastinate until I am like "Aaaah I have three days to get this done! What am I gonna do???" Or that I need to get something done before a deadline, like maybe paying VIPKID independent contractor taxes for instance. I plan to have things done by said deadline. But for some reason, I just procrastinate and procrastinate until it's too late sometimes and then I beat myself up like "Why oh WHY can't I just be a responsible adult and take care of very important things on time?!!!" I'm organized with my plans, but I'm super disorganized in my way of executing them. I guess the only thing I can do here is maybe set alarms and reminders on my phone so I never forget to do certain things. I mean, what else can I do? Ideas are welcome.
Intense interests are just that: I have intense interests on maybe only a couple of things at a time rather than having a variety of interests like many people. It gets to the point where I fixate on them strongly. Sometimes these interests are things that most people would not be interested and I am secretly embarrassed about being interested in them. These interests can change frequently as well. Not much to say about this really.
And finally, sensory sensitivities! Oh, this will be a fun one to explain. This is SO ridiculously complicated, it's unbelievable!!! Let me just start with a really good example of how sensory sensitivities affect me: food. Food is wonderful! Food is tasty! But some foods are just a huge "nuh uh!" for me. Anything with chunky-like textures just bug the heck out of me and I really do not know why they turn me off so much. Things like tomatoes, chunky tomato sauce, salsa, strawberries (the seeds), peppers, and beans, just to name a few. It seems so freaking silly that chunky things would taste bad to me. It's just the crunch that gets to me so badly that I cannot even give these foods a solid try even if I wanted to. Another thing that gets me as far as food goes is smell and a little bit of appearance. If the smell of a food is too intense in what I perceive to be a negative way, I literally cannot get the guts to try it at all. These are things like fish, shrimp, and Asian food: Chinese, Japanese, etc. It's so bad, I know! So many people like these things and I just can't even try it because the smell and looks get me badly enough. I seriously cannot explain why I feel like I can't just try certain foods. Nobody would understand because I don't even get it! It makes me so anxious to eat at other people's houses because I don't know what I would say or do to explain my sensitivities without sounding rude and unappreciative of their generosity. Other sensory sensitivities include needles, doctor's exams, and heights. Seriously, needles are just one little poke and it's over for many people. But for me, it feels like eternity because I cannot relax at all when the needle is poking my skin like it does! The touch of the needle is overwhelming in so many ways for some reason. I'm not quite ready to open up about doctor's exams yet. Heights are difficult because I feel this overwhelming, intense feeling of "I'm gonna fall no matter what safety measures are in place" when I see just how high up I am.
Whew! And there you have it! This is the gist of what Autism looks like for me.
Here is the link I used to quote Autism Society just so I am citing my sources properly: https://www.autism-society.org/what-is/
"If you've met one person with Autism, you've met one person with Autism." -Dr. Stephen Shore
According to autism-society.org, "Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is a complex developmental disability. Signs typically appear during early childhood and affect a person's ability to communicate and interact with others. ASD is defined by a certain set of behaviors and is a "spectrum condition" that affects individuals differently and to varying degrees." According to them, some signs include "delayed learning of language; difficulty making eye contact or holding a conversation; difficulty with executive functioning, which relates to reasoning and planning; narrow, intense interests; poor motor skills and sensory sensitivities."
The signs of Autism that I believe apply to me most are difficulty making eye contact, difficulty holding a conversation, difficulty with executive functioning, intense interests, and sensory sensitivities. Let me explain what each one looks like for me.
Difficulty making eye contact is pretty straightforward. I don't always make eye contact with people when they talk to me! I try to remember to do it as often as possible because it is what society is used to. But, I am not perfect and sometimes I will forget or not be aware that I am not making eye contact with you. It's not because I don't like you or that I'm not interested in what you are saying! Please do not ever think this when talking to me! I promise, I AM listening and I AM interested in what you have to say. For some reason, prolonged eye contact with someone is just difficult for me. I get uncomfortable with the idea of having to look at someone for a long period of time. It feels like I am just staring at them and I don't like feeling like I'm staring at someone because I hate when people stare at me. It's hard for me to know if people are uncomfortable with me looking at them for that long. It's nothing against anyone at all. Really, it isn't. I'm still gonna try my best to maintain eye contact, but please be patient with me and know that I'm doing my best and I won't get it right every time. But, I do try.
Difficulty holding a conversation is also pretty straightforward. I struggle A LOT to hold a good conversation with someone I care about, let alone figure out what to even talk about! Seriously! I don't know how y'all do it! How can y'all just come up with things to talk about and then talk and talk about that for awhile? I know there's probably no real secret to it, but sometimes I wish there was and that I knew it. I have always felt socially awkward. I have always struggled with my social interactions. I feel like I hardly know what to say or what to do in a social situation. It makes my anxiety go crazy! I worry a lot about doing or saying the wrong things. Or I worry about what will happen if I approach a certain person just to say "hi." Communication is difficult for me as well. I may talk really fast to the point of making basic grammar errors in my speech because I'm nervous and then people will have no idea what I just said and then I look like an idiot. Or sometimes, I will say something that made total sense in my head but made sense to absolutely no one else. Or people may say things that make sense to them, but not to me. Sometimes, I also get so nervous and anxiety gets to me so bad under pressure that I lose all train of thought and then I end up just stumbling every word and that does not help to effectively communicate in an important situation. Arrgghhh the never ending struggle of communication! When communicating with me, please know that I am also trying in this area. I am trying to use more effective communication when communicating what it is I need or want. I sometimes don't know how to put things into words. But, I am trying every step of the way. Something that might ease my social anxiety and uneasiness in social situations might be to just include me! Start talking to me about something. Anything really. When you reach out to me and try to include me in any kind of discussion, it lets me know that I am welcome there and I instantly become more comfortable with the social situation. And I may have good things to contribute! You just never know unless you try.
I'll keep the next two short now that I've gotten two big ones out of the way! Difficulty with executive functioning for me looks a little something like this. I know that I need to plan for something. But I procrastinate and procrastinate until I am like "Aaaah I have three days to get this done! What am I gonna do???" Or that I need to get something done before a deadline, like maybe paying VIPKID independent contractor taxes for instance. I plan to have things done by said deadline. But for some reason, I just procrastinate and procrastinate until it's too late sometimes and then I beat myself up like "Why oh WHY can't I just be a responsible adult and take care of very important things on time?!!!" I'm organized with my plans, but I'm super disorganized in my way of executing them. I guess the only thing I can do here is maybe set alarms and reminders on my phone so I never forget to do certain things. I mean, what else can I do? Ideas are welcome.
Intense interests are just that: I have intense interests on maybe only a couple of things at a time rather than having a variety of interests like many people. It gets to the point where I fixate on them strongly. Sometimes these interests are things that most people would not be interested and I am secretly embarrassed about being interested in them. These interests can change frequently as well. Not much to say about this really.
And finally, sensory sensitivities! Oh, this will be a fun one to explain. This is SO ridiculously complicated, it's unbelievable!!! Let me just start with a really good example of how sensory sensitivities affect me: food. Food is wonderful! Food is tasty! But some foods are just a huge "nuh uh!" for me. Anything with chunky-like textures just bug the heck out of me and I really do not know why they turn me off so much. Things like tomatoes, chunky tomato sauce, salsa, strawberries (the seeds), peppers, and beans, just to name a few. It seems so freaking silly that chunky things would taste bad to me. It's just the crunch that gets to me so badly that I cannot even give these foods a solid try even if I wanted to. Another thing that gets me as far as food goes is smell and a little bit of appearance. If the smell of a food is too intense in what I perceive to be a negative way, I literally cannot get the guts to try it at all. These are things like fish, shrimp, and Asian food: Chinese, Japanese, etc. It's so bad, I know! So many people like these things and I just can't even try it because the smell and looks get me badly enough. I seriously cannot explain why I feel like I can't just try certain foods. Nobody would understand because I don't even get it! It makes me so anxious to eat at other people's houses because I don't know what I would say or do to explain my sensitivities without sounding rude and unappreciative of their generosity. Other sensory sensitivities include needles, doctor's exams, and heights. Seriously, needles are just one little poke and it's over for many people. But for me, it feels like eternity because I cannot relax at all when the needle is poking my skin like it does! The touch of the needle is overwhelming in so many ways for some reason. I'm not quite ready to open up about doctor's exams yet. Heights are difficult because I feel this overwhelming, intense feeling of "I'm gonna fall no matter what safety measures are in place" when I see just how high up I am.
Whew! And there you have it! This is the gist of what Autism looks like for me.
Here is the link I used to quote Autism Society just so I am citing my sources properly: https://www.autism-society.org/what-is/
Welcome To My New And Improved Blog!
Hello world! I am so excited about this new blog I am starting! It's FINALLY happening!!!! It is SO nice to have a fresh new start by writing a blog that actually matters and means the world to me. My last blog site was sort of a train wreck (it is now deleted, don't try and find it!) because I had no clue what I was doing in the slightest. Now that I have some experience and know what I really want to do with my blog, I am hoping that what I write is enjoyable as well as informative.
A little bit about me. I graduated from Brigham Young University-Idaho in July of 2016 with a bachelor's degree in University Studies. My degree was supposed to be in Elementary Education, but I had a rather challenging student teaching experience that showed me I was not ready to be a teacher. It also showed me that maybe I did not want to be an elementary school teacher over 20+ students at once either. Now, I am an ESL teacher with an online company based in China called VIPKID. I have done this for two years and yes, I wake up every morning at the strangest hours to teach Chinese children English. It's like high school early morning seminary all over again, except I get up way earlier than that now! I also have worked as an overflow paraprofessional in a first grade classroom for the last two years. First grade isn't so bad after all, guys. They're quite the handful and need LOTS of reminders about the rules, but they are also cute and funny and are still in that "I love my teacher" phase of life.
I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Some of my religious views and thoughts may be incorporated in my posts as they pertain to the subjects I write about.
I enjoy dancing and singing in the privacy of my own home on mostly a daily basis. I love going on walks and experiencing the beauty of the Earth. I also love talking with and reaching out to friends, even if I struggle so hard to make them at times. I hope to maybe one day get back into working out and exercising. We'll see if that happens....one day, maybe. I do love scrapbooking as well. And now that I am writing a blog, maybe I have a newfound love and passion for writing for the possible purpose of self-help and inspiration. I always love taking on new hobbies if I have the patience for them, so if any of y'all have ideas, please send them my way. (Yes, I say "y'all" and I'm NOT from the south. Don't judge.)
Now, I'm just pondering and figuring out what is next for me as far as careers go. I've thought about studying to become a medical coder and work with medical records in a doctor's office or hospital. I'm great at organizing things and have excellent attention to detail. Working in a medical setting that allows me to do this would be awesome. The title "Medical Coder" sounds way cool too. This way, I can have a more full time job that pays well and I can start to move away from the teaching atmosphere, though I'm mostly healed from the trauma that came during student teaching through working at a school that greatly appreciated me as a worker. Just a little part of me still believes that I'm not good enough to be a teacher. I don't know if that's really true, but I don't think I can risk trying to become a teacher of any kind again at this time.
I can't wait to see what comes of this blog and where it might go!
A little bit about me. I graduated from Brigham Young University-Idaho in July of 2016 with a bachelor's degree in University Studies. My degree was supposed to be in Elementary Education, but I had a rather challenging student teaching experience that showed me I was not ready to be a teacher. It also showed me that maybe I did not want to be an elementary school teacher over 20+ students at once either. Now, I am an ESL teacher with an online company based in China called VIPKID. I have done this for two years and yes, I wake up every morning at the strangest hours to teach Chinese children English. It's like high school early morning seminary all over again, except I get up way earlier than that now! I also have worked as an overflow paraprofessional in a first grade classroom for the last two years. First grade isn't so bad after all, guys. They're quite the handful and need LOTS of reminders about the rules, but they are also cute and funny and are still in that "I love my teacher" phase of life.
I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Some of my religious views and thoughts may be incorporated in my posts as they pertain to the subjects I write about.
I enjoy dancing and singing in the privacy of my own home on mostly a daily basis. I love going on walks and experiencing the beauty of the Earth. I also love talking with and reaching out to friends, even if I struggle so hard to make them at times. I hope to maybe one day get back into working out and exercising. We'll see if that happens....one day, maybe. I do love scrapbooking as well. And now that I am writing a blog, maybe I have a newfound love and passion for writing for the possible purpose of self-help and inspiration. I always love taking on new hobbies if I have the patience for them, so if any of y'all have ideas, please send them my way. (Yes, I say "y'all" and I'm NOT from the south. Don't judge.)
Now, I'm just pondering and figuring out what is next for me as far as careers go. I've thought about studying to become a medical coder and work with medical records in a doctor's office or hospital. I'm great at organizing things and have excellent attention to detail. Working in a medical setting that allows me to do this would be awesome. The title "Medical Coder" sounds way cool too. This way, I can have a more full time job that pays well and I can start to move away from the teaching atmosphere, though I'm mostly healed from the trauma that came during student teaching through working at a school that greatly appreciated me as a worker. Just a little part of me still believes that I'm not good enough to be a teacher. I don't know if that's really true, but I don't think I can risk trying to become a teacher of any kind again at this time.
I can't wait to see what comes of this blog and where it might go!
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