So I thought my next post should be about some elements of what my past was like growing up with Autism. It's not all bad, I promise! As a preface, I do not write this to hold grudges against people or to shame anyone for what they've done. I write this to help you understand that what I did go through is real and it might affect why I am the way I am now. I absolutely DO NOT use past experiences as a crutch or excuse to say "Oh well. This is what it is. This is me. I can't change." If anything, I have definitely grown from my past experiences and now I know what to tolerate and what not to. I now know what to do differently in many situations as well.
Let me just start off by saying I was quirky. I still am. That probably won’t change much. By this, I mean that I walk on my toes sometimes, talk to myself, don’t have much of a filter at times when speaking (this has very much improved over the years with maturity, thank goodness!), had my obsessions that changed from phase to phase, and would think that certain things were just so funny but no one else thought so (that has probably changed a little over time with maturity too). Some of these things led to being made fun of by people. Others just outright hurt other people’s feelings and caused many disagreements between friends and I didn’t understand why at first.
I’m pretty sure walking on my toes, skipping in the hallways in elementary school when I was supposed to be walking like everyone else, talking to myself, humming to myself in unconventional places, and laughing so hard at things that weren’t that funny are the things people made fun of me for. These were my quirks that people probably thought were weird. I don’t blame them. If I was neurotypical and I saw someone doing these things, I’d probably be thinking “what’s with him/her?” too. These things were probably part of what made it difficult for me to fit in with everyone else. I never felt like I quite fit in anywhere at school. I didn’t really know why either. I could not expect people I went to elementary, middle, high school or church with to understand why I did those things and acted in such quirky ways. This is because I did not understand why myself at the time. I thought I was just your average person who acted in average ways. Even if I did understand, I still cannot expect others to understand because Autism is such a complex and grown-up concept and it’s just hard for young kids or teenagers to understand completely. For that reason alone, I do not hold the many experiences of being made fun of against anyone I used to go to school or church with. However, even if we don’t completely understand why someone does what they do, we can still be kind to him or her. It’s not difficult to be kind to people. It doesn’t matter how quirky or average they are. We can choose to be kind and welcoming anyway. We may already be teaching our kids to choose to be kind to people around them. But alas, kids have their agency too and for whatever reason they have, they may still choose not to be kind to everyone. Either way, I’ve already forgiven them all and moved on. But, I still have my insecurities of what people might think of me when I walk up to them and introduce myself and I’ve worked hard to overcome those in recent years.
Having my obsessions about things and lacking a filter when speaking from time to time was what caused many disagreements and hurt feelings between me and my friends in my school years and church experiences. I would just be talking to my friends, sometimes explaining what I’m feeling or thinking of them in ways maybe I shouldn’t have, and all of a sudden, I made them mad and they excluded me from everything they did! A lot of those times, I was thinking “What did I say/do to make her so mad at me? How do I fix this?? I didn’t mean to do this to her!” Sometimes, we managed to patch things up, other times we didn’t and I lost friends because of this. It gave me so much anxiety to think that anything I say could just drive someone away like that, especially if I didn’t mean it in the way they took it to mean. Sometimes, I still have this anxiety and that’s why it’s sometimes difficult for me to reach out to people and talk about certain things. With time, though, I have definitely learned what things are okay to say, what things I may need to be careful in my phrasing with, and what things are never okay to say at all. I hope most people I know have been able to see this in me.
As an autistic individual, I also had my times where I just felt like I never quite fit in anywhere at school. I thought everyone was either way cooler than me and would never hang out with a dork like me or that they were people I just shouldn’t hang out with for reasons I don’t really remember anymore. This wasn’t meant to sound arrogant. I was just really shy and didn’t really feel like I could reach out to anyone or put myself out there. This was likely because I put myself out there in elementary school with the wrong kind of people for me and from that point on, I was just scared to put myself out there again. I had an experience with said group of friends that really hit home for me and taught me how I know my friends are really my friends. I was just hanging out with them and being my good old self. I was nothing but nice to them. Maybe I annoyed them a little, but I never said anything outright rude or mean to them. One day, apparently one of the girls thought I was acting really weird towards her and decided she knew what the signs of being gay are in 5th grade along with some other people who backed her up on it. She proceeded to tell these people that I was gay. My real friends at the time heard about this and told me what this girl said. My little 5th grade self was so confused and I asked my friends "She thinks I'm gay? What does gay mean?" They told me "It means you like like girls." I was SO shocked to hear that someone could say such a thing about me with such little knowledge and understanding of what being gay actually looks like. Like, no girl, I was just being me and if you can't handle that, just say it to my face. I knew right then that she was not my friend and whoever backed her up weren't my friends either. I still put myself out there after that little experience, but it was HARD. From that point on, I started to watch more carefully how people really treated me and it became easier over time for me to tell who actually wants to be my friend and who doesn't. It just seemed like no matter what I did or said, someone was put off by it and didn’t think I was worth their time. Yeah, I may have been a little weird, sometimes obsessive and sometimes annoying. But seriously. What did I do to turn so many people away? I will never know and it really doesn’t matter now.
The big thing that I learned from all my experiences and social encounters in my past is this. "Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." I thought this quote was by Dr. Seuss, but apparently according to google, this was actually said by a man named Bernard Baruch. Anyways, it's true. If people can't stand my quirks or my personality as an autistic individual, then they really don't matter and they're not the right people for me to be around. I know there are people out there that appreciate me and love me for who I am and it's not gonna be everyone I know. That's just how life works and it's okay! The ones who stick around by me despite my quirks and personality will forever be the ones that matter most to me and I will do my best to stay in touch with them. And the only way to discover who these people are is to put myself out there and not be afraid of what they think. If they don't like me or are off put by me, then I just move on and never see them again. If they stick around and appreciate me for me, then I call them my friends.
If you're reading this and you also have autism, do not be afraid to put yourself out there! And it's okay to feel a little hurt by people who decide they don't like you. Because it does hurt and you might wonder if anyone will like you. I have definitely felt that feeling before in my lifetime. Just pick yourself back up, don't give up on making friends, continue to put yourself out there and just be YOU! Because there is only one YOU out there and no one can take that from you. There are people out there that will find you worth spending time with and lovable as a person and you will feel the same about them.
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