Obsession and Perfectionism

Guys, I have finally survived my first bout of writer's block and I finally know what to write about now! Today's topic is obsession and perfectionism. As an autistic individual, I am totally an obsessor over the very serious things that are on my mind at any given time. It can be bad enough to the point where I cannot let go of it no matter how hard I try. I can also be a perfectionist in such a way that I feel like I have to do things right the first time or else I'm a piece of crap that only knows how to mess up. This is going to be a pretty vulnerable post. Brace yourself and please be kind in the comments if you so choose to leave them.

When I say I am an obsessor, I mean that when something serious is on my mind, that is the only thing I can think about and talk about with others until it goes away somehow. I don't exactly know why I do this. Maybe it's therapeutic for me? Maybe somehow if I talk about it enough, I'll finally know what I need to do to punch the problem out? Maybe it's just my way of getting it out of my mind and it takes more than one time of talking about it to get the job done? It's probably a combination of all three. It's usually those people I feel most comfortable around that fall victim to my obsessing. I do feel bad when I catch myself talking about the same thing I just talked about hours ago or a day ago. My dear friends and family probably think "oh dear, here we go again....." But thankfully, most of them seem to be pretty understanding and supportive anyway and I'm thankful for that very much. Lately, for the sake of my friends and family, I have tried hard to work on changing the subject in my conversations when I find myself obsessing over something. Some days, I'm pretty successful and I celebrate that. Other days, not so much. I do this by remembering I pretty much have said everything that I need to say about the situation and now I'm just repeating myself over and over. Repeating myself tends to happen a lot when I'm obsessing. When I remember that I'm repeating myself over and over now, it's easy for me to be like "Okay, that must be annoying for someone, so think of something else to talk about for now. It may actually help you even more." Maybe if I still need to process feelings in order to resolve the serious things on my mind, I can just journal those things on my own time.

Obsessing over things can sometimes lead to analyzing myself a little too much and too harshly, which is where perfectionism creeps its way in. Let me start this off with a story. At work, I had to work one-on-one with a student to help him with reading and test-taking. This kid was pretty smart, had such impressive articulation and he read very well. He would get just about every single word right! I was so proud of him! But, he was really slow when reading. I didn't understand it at all. Why could he get every word right but read so slowly? It drove me crazy sometimes. However, I had to realize two things here in order to be as patient as possible: 1. He is a kid and learning all those phonics rules and reading skills can be overwhelming. 2. He was a kid who seemed to feel very strongly that he had to get everything right the first time. He couldn't get anything wrong. He likely read very slowly so he could be as careful as possible so as to not sound out a single word wrong. Not sure why he felt this way, but he just did. I remember doing at least a few tests with him one-on-one and I could just tell when he didn't know the answer. Most kids just guess when they don't know. He just stared and stared at the question and wouldn't make a single mark, like he was waiting for someone to just tell him what it was so he wouldn't get it wrong. Maybe he felt like if he got anything wrong once, he was a bad kid who doesn't know anything. Obviously, that was not true at all. But, I don't know for sure what went through his mind.

Anyways, the point of that story is to illustrate that this kid reminds me of myself in a way. The thoughts that likely ran through his mind during those situations I described may have been a lot like my thoughts when I do something wrong or make mistakes. The very second I know I've made a mistake of some kind, no matter how big or small it was, I am way too hard on myself. I beat myself up, saying things like "Why did I do this?? I hate myself for doing this. I'm a horrible person. I'm so embarrassed right now. How could I have been so stupid?" What also happens when I realize I made a mistake is I tend to obsess over my mistake and it's the only thing I can focus on and talk about for a little while. In situations like this, my anxiety goes through the roof and usually I need a lot of reassurance and comfort from friends and family. And the ones that are truly there for me are very patient (sometimes, it takes more than one round of reassurance to get me to calm down, accept what they've said, and feel okay again), loving, and they really try to understand what I'm saying to them. Another thing I have done recently to help me through these moments is to remember one or two positive things a friend or family member has said to me and it makes me feel better instantly. I also try to remember what I've learned from the event to soothe my feelings and just tell myself  "You will get it right next time. You've learned many things from this. It will be okay! You don't suck as a person for this." If it appears I'm not trying to calm myself down when you try to reassure me and comfort me, I can assure to you I am trying really hard. Sometimes, it's just difficult and it takes a lot of time to do this depending on the mistake I made that day.

I'm currently going through a major life event where obsession and perfectionism have definitely met up with each other very intensely. My husband of 4 1/2 years has chosen to file for divorce from me.  Of course I obsessed in my mind over everything that went totally wrong in our marriage. It got so bad to the point where I couldn't stop feeling partially responsible for HIS leaving and I beat the crap out of myself for it. How did I not see the red flags before marrying him? Look at all these happily married people and I'm too dumb to pick the right man for me! How could I fail so badly at marriage? What horrible things could I have possibly done that he needed to ask for a divorce from me? Why did I put up with this mess for 4 1/2 years of my life? I'll admit I made mistakes of my own, so did he, but did any of them really deserve a divorce? Especially if I worked hard to make things right? I don't think so, but whatever. All this event means to me now is it says who he really is and I don't need him anymore. At first, I just didn't understand why I couldn't get this marriage thing right the first time and it killed me to the core! I felt like such an awful person. But guess what? I am gonna be OKAY. You know why? Because I got this. I am going to grow, rebuild my confidence, rise above what I went through, and become a healthier me mentally and emotionally. I now know how to fight these perfectionist feelings through the help of my close friends and loving family. Through their love and support, I now know I am not an awful person because this happened. I didn't screw up as badly as I might have been led to think. I did everything I could to fight for the marriage to work. I worked through my own issues as best as I could. That's all anyone can ask of me. What I did was absolutely enough. Whenever I'm too hard on myself in this circumstance, I look at the big picture and turn to Heavenly Father for ultimate reliance. After all, Heavenly Father is the best one to rely on. When I can do those two things, I give myself a little more love and credit. I start to forgive myself more for whatever my faults and mistakes were. Instead of beating myself up for everything I did wrong and for being a fool for not recognizing important things earlier on, I begin to see it as an opportunity to grow, learn from it, and become a better version of me. I realize that this really is going to be for the best. I start to become excited to start over like I wanted to. As I become a healthier version of me, I can envision all of those terrible, perfectionist-like feelings I listed earlier going away for good and never coming back ever again.

Don't be afraid to open up to people you trust about your perfectionist feelings about serious mistakes you've made or when you feel like you're at an all time low with something happening in your life. We all have these feelings from time to time. When you do so, you learn a lot more about yourself, possibly more about a situation, you get a better idea of what to do next time, and you realize you're not so bad after all.