I Am a Person on the Autism Spectrum

Alright! First official post! I just thought I would write this as an introductory crash course on what Autism is and what it looks like when you see me, specifically. I would like to start with a quote:

"If you've met one person with Autism, you've met one person with Autism." -Dr. Stephen Shore

According to autism-society.org, "Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is a complex developmental disability. Signs typically appear during early childhood and affect a person's ability to communicate and interact with others. ASD is defined by a certain set of behaviors and is a "spectrum condition" that affects individuals differently and to varying degrees." According to them, some signs include "delayed learning of language; difficulty making eye contact or holding a conversation; difficulty with executive functioning, which relates to reasoning and planning; narrow, intense interests; poor motor skills and sensory sensitivities." 

The signs of Autism that I believe apply to me most are difficulty making eye contact, difficulty holding a conversation, difficulty with executive functioning, intense interests, and sensory sensitivities. Let me explain what each one looks like for me.

Difficulty making eye contact is pretty straightforward. I don't always make eye contact with people when they talk to me! I try to remember to do it as often as possible because it is what society is used to. But, I am not perfect and sometimes I will forget or not be aware that I am not making eye contact with you. It's not because I don't like you or that I'm not interested in what you are saying! Please do not ever think this when talking to me! I promise, I AM listening and I AM interested in what you have to say. For some reason, prolonged eye contact with someone is just difficult for me. I get uncomfortable with the idea of having to look at someone for a long period of time. It feels like I am just staring at them and I don't like feeling like I'm staring at someone because I hate when people stare at me. It's hard for me to know if people are uncomfortable with me looking at them for that long. It's nothing against anyone at all. Really, it isn't. I'm still gonna try my best to maintain eye contact, but please be patient with me and know that I'm doing my best and I won't get it right every time. But, I do try.

Difficulty holding a conversation is also pretty straightforward. I struggle A LOT to hold a good conversation with someone I care about, let alone figure out what to even talk about! Seriously! I don't know how y'all do it! How can y'all just come up with things to talk about and then talk and talk about that for awhile? I know there's probably no real secret to it, but sometimes I wish there was and that I knew it. I have always felt socially awkward. I have always struggled with my social interactions. I feel like I hardly know what to say or what to do in a social situation. It makes my anxiety go crazy! I worry a lot about doing or saying the wrong things. Or I worry about what will happen if I approach a certain person just to say "hi." Communication is difficult for me as well. I may talk really fast to the point of making basic grammar errors in my speech because I'm nervous and then people will have no idea what I just said and then I look like an idiot. Or sometimes, I will say something that made total sense in my head but made sense to absolutely no one else. Or people may say things that make sense to them, but not to me. Sometimes, I also get so nervous and anxiety gets to me so bad under pressure that I lose all train of thought and then I end up just stumbling every word and that does not help to effectively communicate in an important situation. Arrgghhh the never ending struggle of communication! When communicating with me, please know that I am also trying in this area. I am trying to use more effective communication when communicating what it is I need or want. I sometimes don't know how to put things into words. But, I am trying every step of the way. Something that might ease my social anxiety and uneasiness in social situations might be to just include me! Start talking to me about something. Anything really. When you reach out to me and try to include me in any kind of discussion, it lets me know that I am welcome there and I instantly become more comfortable with the social situation. And I may have good things to contribute! You just never know unless you try.

I'll keep the next two short now that I've gotten two big ones out of the way! Difficulty with executive functioning for me looks a little something like this. I know that I need to plan for something. But I procrastinate and procrastinate until I am like "Aaaah I have three days to get this done! What am I gonna do???" Or that I need to get something done before a deadline, like maybe paying VIPKID independent contractor taxes for instance. I plan to have things done by said deadline. But for some reason, I just procrastinate and procrastinate until it's too late sometimes and then I beat myself up like "Why oh WHY can't I just be a responsible adult and take care of very important things on time?!!!" I'm organized with my plans, but I'm super disorganized in my way of executing them. I guess the only thing I can do here is maybe set alarms and reminders on my phone so I never forget to do certain things. I mean, what else can I do? Ideas are welcome.

Intense interests are just that: I have intense interests on maybe only a couple of things at a time rather than having a variety of interests like many people. It gets to the point where I fixate on them strongly. Sometimes these interests are things that most people would not be interested and I am secretly embarrassed about being interested in them. These interests can change frequently as well. Not much to say about this really.

And finally, sensory sensitivities! Oh, this will be a fun one to explain. This is SO ridiculously complicated, it's unbelievable!!! Let me just start with a really good example of how sensory sensitivities affect me: food. Food is wonderful! Food is tasty! But some foods are just a huge "nuh uh!" for me. Anything with chunky-like textures just bug the heck out of me and I really do not know why they turn me off so much. Things like tomatoes, chunky tomato sauce, salsa, strawberries (the seeds), peppers, and beans, just to name a few. It seems so freaking silly that chunky things would taste bad to me. It's just the crunch that gets to me so badly that I cannot even give these foods a solid try even if I wanted to. Another thing that gets me as far as food goes is smell and a little bit of appearance. If the smell of a food is too intense in what I perceive to be a negative way, I literally cannot get the guts to try it at all. These are things like fish, shrimp, and Asian food: Chinese, Japanese, etc. It's so bad, I know! So many people like these things and I just can't even try it because the smell and looks get me badly enough. I seriously cannot explain why I feel like I can't just try certain foods. Nobody would understand because I don't even get it! It makes me so anxious to eat at other people's houses because I don't know what I would say or do to explain my sensitivities without sounding rude and unappreciative of their generosity. Other sensory sensitivities include needles, doctor's exams, and heights. Seriously, needles are just one little poke and it's over for many people. But for me, it feels like eternity because I cannot relax at all when the needle is poking my skin like it does! The touch of the needle is overwhelming in so many ways for some reason. I'm not quite ready to open up about doctor's exams yet. Heights are difficult because I feel this overwhelming, intense feeling of "I'm gonna fall no matter what safety measures are in place" when I see just how high up I am.

Whew! And there you have it! This is the gist of what Autism looks like for me.

Here is the link I used to quote Autism Society just so I am citing my sources properly: https://www.autism-society.org/what-is/