Let Me Tell You About The Craziest Week Of This Year!

Hello friends! The title tells all. Next to the week back in March when my apartment flooded and COVID started (That was FUN! Hahaha, not.), this past week was one of the craziest weeks I've had this year. Better buckle your seat belts, this post is gonna be wild! Just kidding, but seriously. Alright, here we go. 

First, we have to rewind just a bit. Some of you might know, back in July, I interviewed for and was offered a Behavior Interventionist position with a different company than the one I was with at the time. I was hired to do the same thing as I was doing before. Before I got this interview, I was having what I called a "quarter life crisis" moment (because let's be real, it's not a mid-life crisis until you're 50!) where I was not liking or enjoying the work I was doing as a behavior interventionist. I also wasn't feeling the most qualified to be in the position I was for many different reasons. I started feeling like I didn't actually possess the skills necessary to do the job and that it just wasn't in my personality to possess them. I accepted this fact and told myself it was okay. Then, I get this interview and it went super well. I got the job and accepted the offer. So, then I thought "you know, maybe I'll give this another shot. Maybe I'll improve and maybe things will turn around." Of course, I still struggled in the same areas I did before I got the job and it just wasn't getting any better. I just was not able to possess the skills necessary as I felt before. But, I kept going and I kept trying as hard as I could because what else was I supposed to do? 

Back to the present! Eventually, my underdeveloped skills were noticed. Last Tuesday, it was determined I was unfit for the job and I was terminated. I respectfully agreed with what was said. I walked out of there thinking "What was I thinking? Why did I think I could still do this? I'm such a fool! That's it. I had that crisis moment for a reason. I am not fit for that kind of work in any way and I'm never going back! I'm not a quitter. I'm not giving up. I just have the grace and sensibility to realize that this is not what I'm meant to do anymore. I know myself best." I got in my car, started ugly crying like crazy, I called my mom during my drive home, we had a fine chat. I got home, sat on my couch, and I could barely move I was so shocked at the events of the day despite being at peace with it all. I mean, can anything really take away the newfound stress of no longer bringing in the dough? Not really. I ate barely anything that day. I've noticed in recent years that when I experience a high amount of stress emotionally, my appetite goes way down. 

I eventually took a nap that day. What can I say? Being terminated from my job was kind of traumatic seeing as I had never actually been terminated from a job before. Trauma is exhausting. When I woke up, I started applying for jobs and being proactive. I mean, I may not have 100% figured out the new direction I'm going to take career wise now, but I can't just not work. What else was I going to do? I could have just sat on my couch and watched a bunch of TV and felt sorry for myself that this happened, but I've always told myself that's not a good look on me at all. Neither is being 26, having a college degree, and having no job a good look on me. So, of course I was going to get right back out there. All other possible choices of how to react in this situation sucked. 

Just two days later, I had my first job interview. It went alright. I then got two more interviews and those were held yesterday. Lots of prayers were said during this past week as I was being scheduled for interviews left and right. Nerves were pretty high. I received a job offer yesterday, so I prayed one more time regarding what to do. I felt so good about the offer I received, so I took it and I completed that step at my new place of employment today. I am so impressed that this all happened in just one week after losing my job last week. I didn't think I would get a new job this quickly. But folks, I freaking did it. 

I've never been so proud of myself. I can confidently look back on what I've been through in the last year or so and say "I freaking did all of that. And I did it all like the boss lady I am." I've survived abuse, divorce and recovering from job loss quickly, all with having autism and dealing with my autistic traits. I'm still going. That's pretty big. I may have deficits and challenges due to having autism, but after overcoming all of these things along with other challenges autism has brought over the years, what is going to stop me now? I mean, really? Nothing. Maybe I'll get knocked down again a few more times, but this is living proof that I'm just gonna get right back up and either try again or change direction. Nothing can actually stop me for long. I just do what it takes to find the right path again.

We all have certain things that we feel are weaknesses. It's what we choose to do about them that matters. If we allow them to stop us from pursuing certain things, that's what will happen: we won't pursue those things. Now, if you're like me and you realize that you just can't possess the skills for a job or you just plain don't like the job like you thought, it's okay to change direction! You know yourself best and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You don't owe anyone an explanation either. It's not giving up if that is how you feel. Just because one door closes, it's not the end of the world. Another one will open and it's usually even better. If you feel like you have weaknesses or deficits getting in the way of doing what you want to do, ask yourself what you can do about them and make the best choice. There's always something you can do. In hopes of overcoming some of my deficits due to autism and finding the best fit career wise, I'm going to get professional help. By doing so, I know I can do this! Whether you have autism or not, if you're reading this, don't ever give up! Don't ever let your deficits get in the way or knock you down permanently. You are amazing. You have many strengths and talents. You are worth it. And don't you ever forget it! 

An Open Letter to Sarah

Hello everyone! It's Autism Awareness month! Woohoo! In honor of Autism Awareness month, I decided for today's post to do a "throwback" post. It's called "An Open Letter to Sarah." I wrote this on my old blog two years ago in April of 2018. Before deleting my old blog for personal reasons, I made sure to save this beauty because it's a special one to me and you'll see exactly why when you read it. I never wanted to forget this one. It's raw and it's real and I love it. I made some minor edits and changes to it to improve it even more and make it slightly more fitting for today. Enjoy!

I've been wanting to write this one for a very long time, but life got in the way. Plus, if I'm going to write this special post, it absolutely has to be done right. So now, here it is just in time for Autism Awareness month. But first, here is a little background information so everyone that reads this can understand what I am about to say and why. Sarah is a 21-year-old young woman with autism. She's my younger sister. Remember, autism is a spectrum, so Sarah and I are most definitely not the same kind of people. We both have it, but we don't act the same way nor do we exhibit the same exact characteristics of Autism Spectrum Disorder. I am verbal and am able to communicate with others even if I don't make sense sometimes; she is non-verbal and unable to effectively communicate with others the same way I can. I can do basic things for myself; she can't always. I have the ability to interact with others, get involved in school and church activities, and live a fairly typical life; she had that all taken away from her because of her communication struggles. That's just to name a few of our huge differences. With that being said, here is my open letter Sarah. If I could have just one conversation with her right here and now, this is what I would say.

Dear Sarah,
How are you today? Are you happy? If so, that’s awesome! I love it when you are happy, even if it’s for no reason. I may never figure out why you’re happy when you are, but Heavenly Father always knows and that’s enough for me. When I lived at home or whenever I visit you, I love it when you just sit there and laugh. I have no clue what you’re laughing about, but it makes my heart happy and it doesn’t annoy me in the slightest. I also love watching you do the things that make you happy, such as roller skating, ice skating, going on drives, going on walks, or bowling. Did I ever mention that I think you are the best roller skater around? Well, it’s true. You just keep zooming around that roller skating arena the way you always do and show everyone what’s up. I hope you and I will share many happy days together; now and in the after life.

Are you sad? If so, why are you sad? Is it because you’re trying to tell us something and the words just won’t come out no matter what? Is it because you just want a friend? Is it because you feel like your family doesn’t care? Well Sarah, I can tell you that we empathize with you in your struggles to talk to us. We don’t know what that’s like because we don’t struggle with it, but we can only imagine it must be awful to not be able to talk with us every day. Know that this is hard on all of us. We want to be able to talk to you just as much as you want to talk to us. You may feel like you’re invisible. You may feel like you don’t fit in with the rest of us. You may feel like you’re not a true part of this family. But, you definitely are. We all love you very much and we are so happy you are in our family. It may not feel like this all the time, but every family has struggles getting along once in awhile. That’s just how family is. It’s not just you we don’t get along with. I’m sure you’ve seen this being in our house, but Kate, Grace and I fought ALL THE TIME. We also had trouble getting along with mom and dad at times. Know that when we have tried to give you hugs, talk to you even though we know you won’t answer back, give you high fives, and show other signs of endearment, all of this means that we love you so much.

Are you angry? If so, why are you angry? Is it because kids called you names at school? Well, those kids have no clue what they're saying or what they're missing out on. Whatever those kids say, know that none of it is your fault. They don't understand your sweet spirit or unique personality. They don't understand that you are most likely pretty intelligent and you know that what they say really hurts. Is it because you don't understand why mom won't let you have more snacks even though you point to what you want so kindly? Well, I can tell you that mom cares about you and loves you very much. She doesn't do that to you because she feels like torturing you. She does that because she loves you enough to tell you "no" sometimes because having too many snacks can be bad for your health. Is it because open skate didn't start right on time and you were pumped and ready to go? I know you don't understand why you couldn't just go out on the rink and skate your heart out, but I'll tell you that sometimes people take a little extra time to get things ready to go. They have to turn on the music and and make sure there are supervisors on duty so that they can help those who may get hurt out there (not to brag, but what a foreign concept for you , miss Sarah!). They didn't start late because they didn't like you and just wanted to make you wait as long as possible. Is it because your sisters were sometimes not nice to you? Because they yelled at you for playing with their valuables and you didn't see the big deal? All I have to say, Sarah, is I'm so very sorry. That's just it. I'm sorry I didn't understand how my actions and words would affect you. The idea of autism at the time was a grown-up concept for me and I didn't quite understand it yet either. I didn't understand that anything I said would hurt your feelings because I didn't think you'd understand what I say. Of course as I matured more, I understood that you have thoughts as well and that I need to be careful of what I say and do. Please forgive me for my lack of understanding when I was younger.

Sarah, I also want to add that you are the biggest example of patience I have ever seen. You may not be patient about open skate start times or when food arrives. But, you are patient with us, your family, when we mess up in how we treat you. You forgive us even when we don't deserve it. You are patient with us as we figure out how to talk with you and include you. You also teach us to be patient with you when you do things that hurt us. We know you don't understand the big deal behind some of the things you do and that is why we try very hard each day to be loving and understanding instead of angry with you. It has definitely only gotten easier and easier over the years. You're that sassy, spunky little sister I always dreamed of in addition to Grace.

I love you, Sarah.

Love,
Your big sister, Allison

Faith and Perseverance-How I Have Found Strength and Comfort During the COVID-19 Pandemic

Hello everyone! I am SO sorry it has been so long since I last wrote on here. Working 3 jobs is as busy as it gets and so I haven't always had the energy to sit down and write as much as I used to. I want to change that, though. For this post, I feel inspired to share how I've found strength and comfort in this crazy, uncertain time we are currently living in.

COVID-19 is a terrible virus that has made it to the United States. Because of this, many things and places have been cancelled or shut down until further notice due to the fact that we cannot have large gatherings of people at this time. We're also being asked and pushed to social distance, or in other words stay home as much as possible, work remotely if we can or are permitted to, limit contact with others and follow a 6 feet rule. It's all because we have to slow down the spread of this virus and do our part to save lives. In the blink of an eye, because of the constantly changing nature of this virus, I lost some of the things that brought me comfort and peace while I dealt with the huge loss of my eternal family through my divorce in June of 2019 and the intense trauma that came with that. These things were church, FHE, the temple, and other social gatherings with my fabulous YSA ward members.

Guys, that is a lot of loss for me to handle in one year. And that year isn't even over yet. I've still got a couple of months to go before it will have been a year. When I first found out I was losing all of those things I mentioned so very shortly after the first big loss it seemed, I was not okay. I became scared and anxious of how long this was going to go on for. I didn't know how long I could handle the loss of those things that aided in my healing for a time. I started missing the idea of having a little family to be "quarantined" with like many people in my Facebook feed. I became very overwhelmed with all of the change happening around me all at once. As an individual with autism, I can definitely say that I struggle with change sometimes. I have my moments and then I take a step back, calm down, talk myself through what's happening and everything is okay again. I called my mom two days in a row because I was getting so overwhelmed with all of the changes happening everywhere and about social distancing as well. She told me "Allison, you're getting too worked up over this. Just take it one day at a time." I found it impossible for a bit. But then, I hung up the phone, took a deep breath, and realized she was right: I had to take this one day at a time even if it was hard and even if I was anxious about how long it could all go on for. What other choice do I have?

Then, one night, the manager of my apartment complex offered me a hotel room completely covered by apartment management because my apartment flooded. I of course accepted the offer so I wouldn't have to hear those dang fans another night and so I could have a bed to sleep in since mine was taken apart to lift up more carpet. When I settled into the hotel for the night, I was scrolling through Facebook and I came across President Russell M Nelson's message of hope and comfort in light of COVID-19. I watched and listened to this message and was overcome with peace and comfort. It led me to kneel at the bedside and pray for the first time in months. It was a moment of reconciliation with Heavenly Father, considering the first thing I said was "I'm sorry I haven't communicated with you in such a long time. Please forgive me! I'm gonna try and be better!" I offered up probably the most emotional prayer I had ever said in my entire life. Tears were streaming down my face for the duration of the prayer as I thanked him for all of my many blessings, expressed my many concerns, and ended by asking for comfort and peace. After I said the prayer, I immediately felt a wave of peace come over me as I laid in my bed. I felt the immense love of my Heavenly Father right away and started to have faith that he's in charge and he will take care of all of us in this crazy time. My mood towards the whole situation changed immediately. This is why it says "Prayer will change the night to day" in the hymn "Did You Think To Pray?"

One thing I firmly believe 100% is that I don't have a choice but to keep my head up and rely on my Heavenly Father, especially in hard times. I really haven't had the choice since June of 2019. If I don't do those things, I will never be okay. So, I try to do everything I can to keep my head up and stay positive. I had some unexpected extra time this week, so I was determined to remember and rediscover things I once loved to do and do those things. I got back into Zumba, started going for walks almost every day, wrote in a journal, and now I'm here blogging. Zumba and other exercise seem to be the things that help me feel and stay positive the most. Other things would be prayer and walking around the temple grounds. Taking time to slow down and get back into loved hobbies have very much helped me to be okay at this time.

Guys, you can do this! We've got to be in this together! Uplift one another. Take time to slow down. Use this period of "quarantine" to get back into once loved hobbies you didn't have as much time to do before if your job has cut hours. Exercise (it releases endorphins!). Check in on your friends and family whether they seem fine emotionally or not and stay connected. Most of all, for those who practice religion or if you just want to, pray. Just pray. I can say that you will feel a difference in attitude and mood afterward. Even if you're feeling anxious yourself, these are things that can help you be okay. I understand that for those with anxiety, it can be quite difficult to motivate yourself to do these things. It was incredibly hard for me at first, trust me! But, once you do them, you will feel so much better and at peace and it's such an amazing feeling.

Thank y'all for coming to my TED talk.