An Open Letter to Sarah

Hello everyone! It's Autism Awareness month! Woohoo! In honor of Autism Awareness month, I decided for today's post to do a "throwback" post. It's called "An Open Letter to Sarah." I wrote this on my old blog two years ago in April of 2018. Before deleting my old blog for personal reasons, I made sure to save this beauty because it's a special one to me and you'll see exactly why when you read it. I never wanted to forget this one. It's raw and it's real and I love it. I made some minor edits and changes to it to improve it even more and make it slightly more fitting for today. Enjoy!

I've been wanting to write this one for a very long time, but life got in the way. Plus, if I'm going to write this special post, it absolutely has to be done right. So now, here it is just in time for Autism Awareness month. But first, here is a little background information so everyone that reads this can understand what I am about to say and why. Sarah is a 21-year-old young woman with autism. She's my younger sister. Remember, autism is a spectrum, so Sarah and I are most definitely not the same kind of people. We both have it, but we don't act the same way nor do we exhibit the same exact characteristics of Autism Spectrum Disorder. I am verbal and am able to communicate with others even if I don't make sense sometimes; she is non-verbal and unable to effectively communicate with others the same way I can. I can do basic things for myself; she can't always. I have the ability to interact with others, get involved in school and church activities, and live a fairly typical life; she had that all taken away from her because of her communication struggles. That's just to name a few of our huge differences. With that being said, here is my open letter Sarah. If I could have just one conversation with her right here and now, this is what I would say.

Dear Sarah,
How are you today? Are you happy? If so, that’s awesome! I love it when you are happy, even if it’s for no reason. I may never figure out why you’re happy when you are, but Heavenly Father always knows and that’s enough for me. When I lived at home or whenever I visit you, I love it when you just sit there and laugh. I have no clue what you’re laughing about, but it makes my heart happy and it doesn’t annoy me in the slightest. I also love watching you do the things that make you happy, such as roller skating, ice skating, going on drives, going on walks, or bowling. Did I ever mention that I think you are the best roller skater around? Well, it’s true. You just keep zooming around that roller skating arena the way you always do and show everyone what’s up. I hope you and I will share many happy days together; now and in the after life.

Are you sad? If so, why are you sad? Is it because you’re trying to tell us something and the words just won’t come out no matter what? Is it because you just want a friend? Is it because you feel like your family doesn’t care? Well Sarah, I can tell you that we empathize with you in your struggles to talk to us. We don’t know what that’s like because we don’t struggle with it, but we can only imagine it must be awful to not be able to talk with us every day. Know that this is hard on all of us. We want to be able to talk to you just as much as you want to talk to us. You may feel like you’re invisible. You may feel like you don’t fit in with the rest of us. You may feel like you’re not a true part of this family. But, you definitely are. We all love you very much and we are so happy you are in our family. It may not feel like this all the time, but every family has struggles getting along once in awhile. That’s just how family is. It’s not just you we don’t get along with. I’m sure you’ve seen this being in our house, but Kate, Grace and I fought ALL THE TIME. We also had trouble getting along with mom and dad at times. Know that when we have tried to give you hugs, talk to you even though we know you won’t answer back, give you high fives, and show other signs of endearment, all of this means that we love you so much.

Are you angry? If so, why are you angry? Is it because kids called you names at school? Well, those kids have no clue what they're saying or what they're missing out on. Whatever those kids say, know that none of it is your fault. They don't understand your sweet spirit or unique personality. They don't understand that you are most likely pretty intelligent and you know that what they say really hurts. Is it because you don't understand why mom won't let you have more snacks even though you point to what you want so kindly? Well, I can tell you that mom cares about you and loves you very much. She doesn't do that to you because she feels like torturing you. She does that because she loves you enough to tell you "no" sometimes because having too many snacks can be bad for your health. Is it because open skate didn't start right on time and you were pumped and ready to go? I know you don't understand why you couldn't just go out on the rink and skate your heart out, but I'll tell you that sometimes people take a little extra time to get things ready to go. They have to turn on the music and and make sure there are supervisors on duty so that they can help those who may get hurt out there (not to brag, but what a foreign concept for you , miss Sarah!). They didn't start late because they didn't like you and just wanted to make you wait as long as possible. Is it because your sisters were sometimes not nice to you? Because they yelled at you for playing with their valuables and you didn't see the big deal? All I have to say, Sarah, is I'm so very sorry. That's just it. I'm sorry I didn't understand how my actions and words would affect you. The idea of autism at the time was a grown-up concept for me and I didn't quite understand it yet either. I didn't understand that anything I said would hurt your feelings because I didn't think you'd understand what I say. Of course as I matured more, I understood that you have thoughts as well and that I need to be careful of what I say and do. Please forgive me for my lack of understanding when I was younger.

Sarah, I also want to add that you are the biggest example of patience I have ever seen. You may not be patient about open skate start times or when food arrives. But, you are patient with us, your family, when we mess up in how we treat you. You forgive us even when we don't deserve it. You are patient with us as we figure out how to talk with you and include you. You also teach us to be patient with you when you do things that hurt us. We know you don't understand the big deal behind some of the things you do and that is why we try very hard each day to be loving and understanding instead of angry with you. It has definitely only gotten easier and easier over the years. You're that sassy, spunky little sister I always dreamed of in addition to Grace.

I love you, Sarah.

Love,
Your big sister, Allison

Faith and Perseverance-How I Have Found Strength and Comfort During the COVID-19 Pandemic

Hello everyone! I am SO sorry it has been so long since I last wrote on here. Working 3 jobs is as busy as it gets and so I haven't always had the energy to sit down and write as much as I used to. I want to change that, though. For this post, I feel inspired to share how I've found strength and comfort in this crazy, uncertain time we are currently living in.

COVID-19 is a terrible virus that has made it to the United States. Because of this, many things and places have been cancelled or shut down until further notice due to the fact that we cannot have large gatherings of people at this time. We're also being asked and pushed to social distance, or in other words stay home as much as possible, work remotely if we can or are permitted to, limit contact with others and follow a 6 feet rule. It's all because we have to slow down the spread of this virus and do our part to save lives. In the blink of an eye, because of the constantly changing nature of this virus, I lost some of the things that brought me comfort and peace while I dealt with the huge loss of my eternal family through my divorce in June of 2019 and the intense trauma that came with that. These things were church, FHE, the temple, and other social gatherings with my fabulous YSA ward members.

Guys, that is a lot of loss for me to handle in one year. And that year isn't even over yet. I've still got a couple of months to go before it will have been a year. When I first found out I was losing all of those things I mentioned so very shortly after the first big loss it seemed, I was not okay. I became scared and anxious of how long this was going to go on for. I didn't know how long I could handle the loss of those things that aided in my healing for a time. I started missing the idea of having a little family to be "quarantined" with like many people in my Facebook feed. I became very overwhelmed with all of the change happening around me all at once. As an individual with autism, I can definitely say that I struggle with change sometimes. I have my moments and then I take a step back, calm down, talk myself through what's happening and everything is okay again. I called my mom two days in a row because I was getting so overwhelmed with all of the changes happening everywhere and about social distancing as well. She told me "Allison, you're getting too worked up over this. Just take it one day at a time." I found it impossible for a bit. But then, I hung up the phone, took a deep breath, and realized she was right: I had to take this one day at a time even if it was hard and even if I was anxious about how long it could all go on for. What other choice do I have?

Then, one night, the manager of my apartment complex offered me a hotel room completely covered by apartment management because my apartment flooded. I of course accepted the offer so I wouldn't have to hear those dang fans another night and so I could have a bed to sleep in since mine was taken apart to lift up more carpet. When I settled into the hotel for the night, I was scrolling through Facebook and I came across President Russell M Nelson's message of hope and comfort in light of COVID-19. I watched and listened to this message and was overcome with peace and comfort. It led me to kneel at the bedside and pray for the first time in months. It was a moment of reconciliation with Heavenly Father, considering the first thing I said was "I'm sorry I haven't communicated with you in such a long time. Please forgive me! I'm gonna try and be better!" I offered up probably the most emotional prayer I had ever said in my entire life. Tears were streaming down my face for the duration of the prayer as I thanked him for all of my many blessings, expressed my many concerns, and ended by asking for comfort and peace. After I said the prayer, I immediately felt a wave of peace come over me as I laid in my bed. I felt the immense love of my Heavenly Father right away and started to have faith that he's in charge and he will take care of all of us in this crazy time. My mood towards the whole situation changed immediately. This is why it says "Prayer will change the night to day" in the hymn "Did You Think To Pray?"

One thing I firmly believe 100% is that I don't have a choice but to keep my head up and rely on my Heavenly Father, especially in hard times. I really haven't had the choice since June of 2019. If I don't do those things, I will never be okay. So, I try to do everything I can to keep my head up and stay positive. I had some unexpected extra time this week, so I was determined to remember and rediscover things I once loved to do and do those things. I got back into Zumba, started going for walks almost every day, wrote in a journal, and now I'm here blogging. Zumba and other exercise seem to be the things that help me feel and stay positive the most. Other things would be prayer and walking around the temple grounds. Taking time to slow down and get back into loved hobbies have very much helped me to be okay at this time.

Guys, you can do this! We've got to be in this together! Uplift one another. Take time to slow down. Use this period of "quarantine" to get back into once loved hobbies you didn't have as much time to do before if your job has cut hours. Exercise (it releases endorphins!). Check in on your friends and family whether they seem fine emotionally or not and stay connected. Most of all, for those who practice religion or if you just want to, pray. Just pray. I can say that you will feel a difference in attitude and mood afterward. Even if you're feeling anxious yourself, these are things that can help you be okay. I understand that for those with anxiety, it can be quite difficult to motivate yourself to do these things. It was incredibly hard for me at first, trust me! But, once you do them, you will feel so much better and at peace and it's such an amazing feeling.

Thank y'all for coming to my TED talk.

The Importance of Getting to Know Yourself

Hello all! It's been awhile, I know. But I am back! A couple of days ago, I watched a video a friend posted on Facebook called "6 Healthy Ways To Be Alone After Heartbreak" by Jay Shetty. If you haven't watched it, go watch it! It is SO good. It has useful information for anyone, no matter what stage of life you're in, no matter what kind of heartbreak you may have experienced. I loved this video a lot and I want to start working on the 6 things Jay Shetty mentioned.

Today, I bring you my thoughts and experience with the first thing he talked about: getting to know ourselves first. Jay Shetty said: "It is not just being alone that worries us, it's FEELING alone that worries us. This is our opportunity to get to know ourselves. Our biggest mistakes are that we try to get to know other's interests before we know our own. We try to learn about everyone else's favorite color and movie before we know our own. And we learn to know what makes others happy before we learn what makes ourselves happy." Guys, this right here is profound and it's so important! I can tell you this is very true with me. I think this is just a part of why I struggle with social situations and making friends: because it can be apparent that I'm not confident in who I am nor is it always apparent that I love who I am as a person. I think people in general find it more attractive when people love and are confident in who they are. Because when people love and are confident in who they are, they tend to have a positive attitude and outlook on life and they tend to be more fun to be around! It's what makes them exciting! People tend to gravitate to individuals who are positive and fun to be around because they uplift them and make them feel happy. When people are more negative than they are positive, it tends to bring people's moods down. It's okay to express frustration, sadness, anger, and heartbreak from time to time because we are human and it's sometimes necessary to talk about those things. But, from experience, one way I may have become more negative than positive on a regular basis is when I am trying to become comfortable around other people before I am comfortable with myself. It's when I am trying to get to know a bunch of other people's interests and favorite things before I know my own, like Shetty was saying. I start to think "gosh, why doesn't anyone like me?" when this happens. And that one thought can start a whirlwind of other negative thoughts and feelings that affect the way I am, the way I talk and the way I interact with others.

I have reflected on this lack of knowing, being confident in and loving who I am as a person quite a bit more now that I have been in my new ward at church for the last month. It's a new beginning for me and I want it to be a good chapter in my life. In order to do this, however, I need to be more confident in who I am and embrace who I am as well. So I took some initiative this weekend after watching the video I mentioned earlier. I really took to heart what Shetty said about trying to get to know other people's interests before I know my own. With that said, I decided to re-discover what my own interests are and what makes me happy. I did this by finding a quiet spot in the park, googling a "favorite things" questionnaire and journaling my answers to the prompts. It may seem simple to many, but for me, it was therapeutic and I learned a lot more about myself by doing this. I started to love and embrace who I am again. I also became a lot more confident in who I am as a person after I finished journaling. Here are some of my answers I came up with:

Favorite Color: Teal or Aqua Blue
Favorite Environmental Sound: Rain and ocean waves
Favorite Restaurant: Red Robin
Favorite Food I Cook: Fried Chicken and Gravy
Favorite Hobbies: Scrapbooking and writing
Favorite Game: Wackee Six
Favorite Movie: Mean Girls (not because I am a mean girl, haha! It's just really funny!)
Favorite Music Artist: Maddie & Tae
Favorite Sport: Baseball/Softball
The Most Fun Sporting Event: Any Cleveland Indians baseball game
My Greatest Skills: Organization and attention-to-detail
Favorite Job I've Had So Far: Paraprofessional in an elementary school
The Most Unusual Pet I've Had: Charlie, my parents' dachshund
Favorite Kind of Pet: Dog (but not super large dogs)
My Idea of a Perfect Day Out: Hiking or chilling at the lake with friends in the summer

I hope you all enjoyed my insights today as well as learning a little bit more about me!

I Understand Much More Than You Think I Do

Hello all! Today's topic is all about the way I understand and process a variety of different events, situations, and concepts in my mind. Sometimes, people on the autism spectrum are very much misunderstood. And because of that, people might think that we can't possibly understand how someone might feel in a certain situation, which is far from the truth. Or maybe, people don't realize that we need things explained to us in the most direct, clear, cut and dry way possible and that we can't be left to interpret or imply what they mean whatsoever. Let's get started, shall we?

The first and foremost thing we all need to remember about autism is that it is a neurological disorder, not a mental disorder! There is a difference between the words "neurological" and "mental"; they do not mean the same thing. Not at all. Mental disorders are conditions that affect your mood, thinking, emotions and behavior. These refer to disorders related to your mind. These are things like anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and bi-polar disorder. They may cause you to feel sad or down frequently, you may experience extreme mood changes, or you may have trouble relating to other situations and people if you have a mental disorder. Neurological disorders, on the other hand, refer to any condition that is caused by a dysfunction in part of the brain or nervous system. Obviously these disorders are related to the brain itself. A neurological disorder can affect areas in the brain that control movement, communication, vision, hearing, or thinking. The brain and mind are not exactly the same either. They certainly work together a lot, though. According to a forum on sharecare.com, a doctor on there said that the brain is simply the physical organ associated with mind and consciousness, while the mind is part of the invisible, transcendent world of thought, feeling, attitude, belief and imagination. This is why mental disorders and neurological disorders are so different, and it's so important to recognize the difference between the two. Because autism is classified as a neurological disorder, to me, this simply means that areas of the brain that affect communication and thinking are wired differently than that of the neuro-typical brain. And it's not all bad to be wired a little differently!
*I retrieved my information about mental disorders from Mayo Clinic (I know.....) and about neurological disorders from www.childneurologyfoundation.org*

The reason I seem to say that people on the autism spectrum tend to be misunderstood quite a bit is likely because our minds are wired so differently. We think, operate, and communicate in a different way that people may not exactly expect or be used to. I know I would explain things to people and would get so frustrated when they didn't understand what I was saying to them because it made so much sense in my mind! Because certain things made perfect sense in my mind, I used to totally expect it to be the exact same way for everyone else! Hahaha. I was definitely wrong about that! I would be thinking "what is so hard to understand about what I just said?! Seriously, what I said really isn't rocket science...." ALL THE TIME. Like, I'm not even kidding you. Yet, I sometimes experience the same problem when other people try to explain things to me. I'll be like "huh? What does that even mean? What is he/she saying???" I sometimes find myself asking lots of follow-up questions to the point of driving people crazy and maybe they even wonder "HOW is she not getting this?? What the heck?" I sometimes find that people who know me pretty well even decide to explain things to me like I wouldn't understand if they didn't explain it otherwise, even though I very much understand the situation, event or concept and may even have some personal experiences of my own to enhance that understanding quite a bit.

Anyway, I guess the overall point of this post is to express the following sentiment: Guys, I understand and can empathize much, much more than you think I do. Seriously. I do. Don't assume that I can't possibly understand certain concepts, tasks, or circumstances just because I am autistic. It's pretty much the same principle as "don't judge a book by its cover." I understand that communication with people due to my unique way of thinking and processing may be a challenge that I have to constantly jump over in order to be successful in life. That doesn't mean I'll never be able to do it or understand things. One thing that really helps me is if people are very direct, clear, cut and dry with their communication with me and they don't say anything that could be vague or left up to my own interpretation, when clearly they don't want it to be. Ya gotta give it to me clear, cut and dry to the point if you want me to completely understand your point of view on something important or that means a lot to you emotionally. If you are any kind of vague with me in your communication of something very important, chances are, my interpretation of what the heck you're saying is not at all going to be yours! I can guarantee that 100%! No, I cannot just assume what you mean when you say certain things and leave important words out because you think I should know what the important words you are implying are. I do not have this skill. I'm sorry. When people do this, I really do understand where people are coming from and can apply myself accordingly. I'm not an idiot. I just think differently and you have to give it to me in the most direct way you can in order for my mind to process what you're saying correctly. Once that happens, I understand in an instant and can provide potentially amazing insight or do exactly what you want me to do, depending on the topic of the conversation of course. In short, don't ever assume that just because I didn't understand something the typical way doesn't mean that I don't understand at all. Sometimes, we just have to adjust accordingly when someone doesn't get something. even if we wonder why they can't just get it the first time since it should be so simple in our minds. Because everyone deserves a chance to be understood properly as many times as it takes to re-word and re-explain the point of view.

Obsession and Perfectionism

Guys, I have finally survived my first bout of writer's block and I finally know what to write about now! Today's topic is obsession and perfectionism. As an autistic individual, I am totally an obsessor over the very serious things that are on my mind at any given time. It can be bad enough to the point where I cannot let go of it no matter how hard I try. I can also be a perfectionist in such a way that I feel like I have to do things right the first time or else I'm a piece of crap that only knows how to mess up. This is going to be a pretty vulnerable post. Brace yourself and please be kind in the comments if you so choose to leave them.

When I say I am an obsessor, I mean that when something serious is on my mind, that is the only thing I can think about and talk about with others until it goes away somehow. I don't exactly know why I do this. Maybe it's therapeutic for me? Maybe somehow if I talk about it enough, I'll finally know what I need to do to punch the problem out? Maybe it's just my way of getting it out of my mind and it takes more than one time of talking about it to get the job done? It's probably a combination of all three. It's usually those people I feel most comfortable around that fall victim to my obsessing. I do feel bad when I catch myself talking about the same thing I just talked about hours ago or a day ago. My dear friends and family probably think "oh dear, here we go again....." But thankfully, most of them seem to be pretty understanding and supportive anyway and I'm thankful for that very much. Lately, for the sake of my friends and family, I have tried hard to work on changing the subject in my conversations when I find myself obsessing over something. Some days, I'm pretty successful and I celebrate that. Other days, not so much. I do this by remembering I pretty much have said everything that I need to say about the situation and now I'm just repeating myself over and over. Repeating myself tends to happen a lot when I'm obsessing. When I remember that I'm repeating myself over and over now, it's easy for me to be like "Okay, that must be annoying for someone, so think of something else to talk about for now. It may actually help you even more." Maybe if I still need to process feelings in order to resolve the serious things on my mind, I can just journal those things on my own time.

Obsessing over things can sometimes lead to analyzing myself a little too much and too harshly, which is where perfectionism creeps its way in. Let me start this off with a story. At work, I had to work one-on-one with a student to help him with reading and test-taking. This kid was pretty smart, had such impressive articulation and he read very well. He would get just about every single word right! I was so proud of him! But, he was really slow when reading. I didn't understand it at all. Why could he get every word right but read so slowly? It drove me crazy sometimes. However, I had to realize two things here in order to be as patient as possible: 1. He is a kid and learning all those phonics rules and reading skills can be overwhelming. 2. He was a kid who seemed to feel very strongly that he had to get everything right the first time. He couldn't get anything wrong. He likely read very slowly so he could be as careful as possible so as to not sound out a single word wrong. Not sure why he felt this way, but he just did. I remember doing at least a few tests with him one-on-one and I could just tell when he didn't know the answer. Most kids just guess when they don't know. He just stared and stared at the question and wouldn't make a single mark, like he was waiting for someone to just tell him what it was so he wouldn't get it wrong. Maybe he felt like if he got anything wrong once, he was a bad kid who doesn't know anything. Obviously, that was not true at all. But, I don't know for sure what went through his mind.

Anyways, the point of that story is to illustrate that this kid reminds me of myself in a way. The thoughts that likely ran through his mind during those situations I described may have been a lot like my thoughts when I do something wrong or make mistakes. The very second I know I've made a mistake of some kind, no matter how big or small it was, I am way too hard on myself. I beat myself up, saying things like "Why did I do this?? I hate myself for doing this. I'm a horrible person. I'm so embarrassed right now. How could I have been so stupid?" What also happens when I realize I made a mistake is I tend to obsess over my mistake and it's the only thing I can focus on and talk about for a little while. In situations like this, my anxiety goes through the roof and usually I need a lot of reassurance and comfort from friends and family. And the ones that are truly there for me are very patient (sometimes, it takes more than one round of reassurance to get me to calm down, accept what they've said, and feel okay again), loving, and they really try to understand what I'm saying to them. Another thing I have done recently to help me through these moments is to remember one or two positive things a friend or family member has said to me and it makes me feel better instantly. I also try to remember what I've learned from the event to soothe my feelings and just tell myself  "You will get it right next time. You've learned many things from this. It will be okay! You don't suck as a person for this." If it appears I'm not trying to calm myself down when you try to reassure me and comfort me, I can assure to you I am trying really hard. Sometimes, it's just difficult and it takes a lot of time to do this depending on the mistake I made that day.

I'm currently going through a major life event where obsession and perfectionism have definitely met up with each other very intensely. My husband of 4 1/2 years has chosen to file for divorce from me.  Of course I obsessed in my mind over everything that went totally wrong in our marriage. It got so bad to the point where I couldn't stop feeling partially responsible for HIS leaving and I beat the crap out of myself for it. How did I not see the red flags before marrying him? Look at all these happily married people and I'm too dumb to pick the right man for me! How could I fail so badly at marriage? What horrible things could I have possibly done that he needed to ask for a divorce from me? Why did I put up with this mess for 4 1/2 years of my life? I'll admit I made mistakes of my own, so did he, but did any of them really deserve a divorce? Especially if I worked hard to make things right? I don't think so, but whatever. All this event means to me now is it says who he really is and I don't need him anymore. At first, I just didn't understand why I couldn't get this marriage thing right the first time and it killed me to the core! I felt like such an awful person. But guess what? I am gonna be OKAY. You know why? Because I got this. I am going to grow, rebuild my confidence, rise above what I went through, and become a healthier me mentally and emotionally. I now know how to fight these perfectionist feelings through the help of my close friends and loving family. Through their love and support, I now know I am not an awful person because this happened. I didn't screw up as badly as I might have been led to think. I did everything I could to fight for the marriage to work. I worked through my own issues as best as I could. That's all anyone can ask of me. What I did was absolutely enough. Whenever I'm too hard on myself in this circumstance, I look at the big picture and turn to Heavenly Father for ultimate reliance. After all, Heavenly Father is the best one to rely on. When I can do those two things, I give myself a little more love and credit. I start to forgive myself more for whatever my faults and mistakes were. Instead of beating myself up for everything I did wrong and for being a fool for not recognizing important things earlier on, I begin to see it as an opportunity to grow, learn from it, and become a better version of me. I realize that this really is going to be for the best. I start to become excited to start over like I wanted to. As I become a healthier version of me, I can envision all of those terrible, perfectionist-like feelings I listed earlier going away for good and never coming back ever again.

Don't be afraid to open up to people you trust about your perfectionist feelings about serious mistakes you've made or when you feel like you're at an all time low with something happening in your life. We all have these feelings from time to time. When you do so, you learn a lot more about yourself, possibly more about a situation, you get a better idea of what to do next time, and you realize you're not so bad after all.

A Little Bit About My Past

So I thought my next post should be about some elements of what my past was like growing up with Autism. It's not all bad, I promise! As a preface, I do not write this to hold grudges against people or to shame anyone for what they've done. I write this to help you understand that what I did go through is real and it might affect why I am the way I am now. I absolutely DO NOT use past experiences as a crutch or excuse to say "Oh well. This is what it is. This is me. I can't change." If anything, I have definitely grown from my past experiences and now I know what to tolerate and what not to. I now know what to do differently in many situations as well.

Let me just start off by saying I was quirky. I still am. That probably won’t change much. By this, I mean that I walk on my toes sometimes, talk to myself, don’t have much of a filter at times when speaking (this has very much improved over the years with maturity, thank goodness!), had my obsessions that changed from phase to phase, and would think that certain things were just so funny but no one else thought so (that has probably changed a little over time with maturity too). Some of these things led to being made fun of by people. Others just outright hurt other people’s feelings and caused many disagreements between friends and I didn’t understand why at first.

I’m pretty sure walking on my toes, skipping in the hallways in elementary school when I was supposed to be walking like everyone else, talking to myself, humming to myself in unconventional places, and laughing so hard at things that weren’t that funny are the things people made fun of me for. These were my quirks that people probably thought were weird. I don’t blame them. If I was neurotypical and I saw someone doing these things, I’d probably be thinking “what’s with him/her?” too. These things were probably part of what made it difficult for me to fit in with everyone else. I never felt like I quite fit in anywhere at school. I didn’t really know why either. I could not expect people I went to elementary, middle, high school or church with to understand why I did those things and acted in such quirky ways. This is because I did not understand why myself at the time. I thought I was just your average person who acted in average ways. Even if I did understand, I still cannot expect others to understand because Autism is such a complex and grown-up concept and it’s just hard for young kids or teenagers to understand completely. For that reason alone, I do not hold the many experiences of being made fun of against anyone I used to go to school or church with. However, even if we don’t completely understand why someone does what they do, we can still be kind to him or her. It’s not difficult to be kind to people. It doesn’t matter how quirky or average they are. We can choose to be kind and welcoming anyway. We may already be teaching our kids to choose to be kind to people around them. But alas, kids have their agency too and for whatever reason they have, they may still choose not to be kind to everyone. Either way, I’ve already forgiven them all and moved on. But, I still have my insecurities of what people might think of me when I walk up to them and introduce myself and I’ve worked hard to overcome those in recent years.

Having my obsessions about things and lacking a filter when speaking from time to time was what caused many disagreements and hurt feelings between me and my friends in my school years and church experiences. I would just be talking to my friends, sometimes explaining what I’m feeling or thinking of them in ways maybe I shouldn’t have, and all of a sudden, I made them mad and they excluded me from everything they did! A lot of those times, I was thinking “What did I say/do to make her so mad at me? How do I fix this?? I didn’t mean to do this to her!” Sometimes, we managed to patch things up, other times we didn’t and I lost friends because of this. It gave me so much anxiety to think that anything I say could just drive someone away like that, especially if I didn’t mean it in the way they took it to mean. Sometimes, I still have this anxiety and that’s why it’s sometimes difficult for me to reach out to people and talk about certain things. With time, though, I have definitely learned what things are okay to say, what things I may need to be careful in my phrasing with, and what things are never okay to say at all. I hope most people I know have been able to see this in me.

As an autistic individual, I also had my times where I just felt like I never quite fit in anywhere at school. I thought everyone was either way cooler than me and would never hang out with a dork like me or that they were people I just shouldn’t hang out with for reasons I don’t really remember anymore. This wasn’t meant to sound arrogant. I was just really shy and didn’t really feel like I could reach out to anyone or put myself out there. This was likely because I put myself out there in elementary school with the wrong kind of people for me and from that point on, I was just scared to put myself out there again. I had an experience with said group of friends that really hit home for me and taught me how I know my friends are really my friends. I was just hanging out with them and being my good old self. I was nothing but nice to them. Maybe I annoyed them a little, but I never said anything outright rude or mean to them. One day, apparently one of the girls thought I was acting really weird towards her and decided she knew what the signs of being gay are in 5th grade along with some other people who backed her up on it. She proceeded to tell these people that I was gay. My real friends at the time heard about this and told me what this girl said. My little 5th grade self was so confused and I asked my friends "She thinks I'm gay? What does gay mean?" They told me "It means you like like girls." I was SO shocked to hear that someone could say such a thing about me with such little knowledge and understanding of what being gay actually looks like. Like, no girl, I was just being me and if you can't handle that, just say it to my face. I knew right then that she was not my friend and whoever backed her up weren't my friends either. I still put myself out there after that little experience, but it was HARD. From that point on, I started to watch more carefully how people really treated me and it became easier over time for me to tell who actually wants to be my friend and who doesn't. It just seemed like no matter what I did or said, someone was put off by it and didn’t think I was worth their time. Yeah, I may have been a little weird, sometimes obsessive and sometimes annoying. But seriously. What did I do to turn so many people away? I will never know and it really doesn’t matter now.

The big thing that I learned from all my experiences and social encounters in my past is this. "Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." I thought this quote was by Dr. Seuss, but apparently according to google, this was actually said by a man named Bernard Baruch. Anyways, it's true. If people can't stand my quirks or my personality as an autistic individual, then they really don't matter and they're not the right people for me to be around. I know there are people out there that appreciate me and love me for who I am and it's not gonna be everyone I know. That's just how life works and it's okay! The ones who stick around by me despite my quirks and personality will forever be the ones that matter most to me and I will do my best to stay in touch with them. And the only way to discover who these people are is to put myself out there and not be afraid of what they think. If they don't like me or are off put by me, then I just move on and never see them again. If they stick around and appreciate me for me, then I call them my friends.

If you're reading this and you also have autism, do not be afraid to put yourself out there! And it's okay to feel a little hurt by people who decide they don't like you. Because it does hurt and you might wonder if anyone will like you. I have definitely felt that feeling before in my lifetime. Just pick yourself back up, don't give up on making friends, continue to put yourself out there and just be YOU! Because there is only one YOU out there and no one can take that from you. There are people out there that will find you worth spending time with and lovable as a person and you will feel the same about them.

I Am a Person on the Autism Spectrum

Alright! First official post! I just thought I would write this as an introductory crash course on what Autism is and what it looks like when you see me, specifically. I would like to start with a quote:

"If you've met one person with Autism, you've met one person with Autism." -Dr. Stephen Shore

According to autism-society.org, "Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is a complex developmental disability. Signs typically appear during early childhood and affect a person's ability to communicate and interact with others. ASD is defined by a certain set of behaviors and is a "spectrum condition" that affects individuals differently and to varying degrees." According to them, some signs include "delayed learning of language; difficulty making eye contact or holding a conversation; difficulty with executive functioning, which relates to reasoning and planning; narrow, intense interests; poor motor skills and sensory sensitivities." 

The signs of Autism that I believe apply to me most are difficulty making eye contact, difficulty holding a conversation, difficulty with executive functioning, intense interests, and sensory sensitivities. Let me explain what each one looks like for me.

Difficulty making eye contact is pretty straightforward. I don't always make eye contact with people when they talk to me! I try to remember to do it as often as possible because it is what society is used to. But, I am not perfect and sometimes I will forget or not be aware that I am not making eye contact with you. It's not because I don't like you or that I'm not interested in what you are saying! Please do not ever think this when talking to me! I promise, I AM listening and I AM interested in what you have to say. For some reason, prolonged eye contact with someone is just difficult for me. I get uncomfortable with the idea of having to look at someone for a long period of time. It feels like I am just staring at them and I don't like feeling like I'm staring at someone because I hate when people stare at me. It's hard for me to know if people are uncomfortable with me looking at them for that long. It's nothing against anyone at all. Really, it isn't. I'm still gonna try my best to maintain eye contact, but please be patient with me and know that I'm doing my best and I won't get it right every time. But, I do try.

Difficulty holding a conversation is also pretty straightforward. I struggle A LOT to hold a good conversation with someone I care about, let alone figure out what to even talk about! Seriously! I don't know how y'all do it! How can y'all just come up with things to talk about and then talk and talk about that for awhile? I know there's probably no real secret to it, but sometimes I wish there was and that I knew it. I have always felt socially awkward. I have always struggled with my social interactions. I feel like I hardly know what to say or what to do in a social situation. It makes my anxiety go crazy! I worry a lot about doing or saying the wrong things. Or I worry about what will happen if I approach a certain person just to say "hi." Communication is difficult for me as well. I may talk really fast to the point of making basic grammar errors in my speech because I'm nervous and then people will have no idea what I just said and then I look like an idiot. Or sometimes, I will say something that made total sense in my head but made sense to absolutely no one else. Or people may say things that make sense to them, but not to me. Sometimes, I also get so nervous and anxiety gets to me so bad under pressure that I lose all train of thought and then I end up just stumbling every word and that does not help to effectively communicate in an important situation. Arrgghhh the never ending struggle of communication! When communicating with me, please know that I am also trying in this area. I am trying to use more effective communication when communicating what it is I need or want. I sometimes don't know how to put things into words. But, I am trying every step of the way. Something that might ease my social anxiety and uneasiness in social situations might be to just include me! Start talking to me about something. Anything really. When you reach out to me and try to include me in any kind of discussion, it lets me know that I am welcome there and I instantly become more comfortable with the social situation. And I may have good things to contribute! You just never know unless you try.

I'll keep the next two short now that I've gotten two big ones out of the way! Difficulty with executive functioning for me looks a little something like this. I know that I need to plan for something. But I procrastinate and procrastinate until I am like "Aaaah I have three days to get this done! What am I gonna do???" Or that I need to get something done before a deadline, like maybe paying VIPKID independent contractor taxes for instance. I plan to have things done by said deadline. But for some reason, I just procrastinate and procrastinate until it's too late sometimes and then I beat myself up like "Why oh WHY can't I just be a responsible adult and take care of very important things on time?!!!" I'm organized with my plans, but I'm super disorganized in my way of executing them. I guess the only thing I can do here is maybe set alarms and reminders on my phone so I never forget to do certain things. I mean, what else can I do? Ideas are welcome.

Intense interests are just that: I have intense interests on maybe only a couple of things at a time rather than having a variety of interests like many people. It gets to the point where I fixate on them strongly. Sometimes these interests are things that most people would not be interested and I am secretly embarrassed about being interested in them. These interests can change frequently as well. Not much to say about this really.

And finally, sensory sensitivities! Oh, this will be a fun one to explain. This is SO ridiculously complicated, it's unbelievable!!! Let me just start with a really good example of how sensory sensitivities affect me: food. Food is wonderful! Food is tasty! But some foods are just a huge "nuh uh!" for me. Anything with chunky-like textures just bug the heck out of me and I really do not know why they turn me off so much. Things like tomatoes, chunky tomato sauce, salsa, strawberries (the seeds), peppers, and beans, just to name a few. It seems so freaking silly that chunky things would taste bad to me. It's just the crunch that gets to me so badly that I cannot even give these foods a solid try even if I wanted to. Another thing that gets me as far as food goes is smell and a little bit of appearance. If the smell of a food is too intense in what I perceive to be a negative way, I literally cannot get the guts to try it at all. These are things like fish, shrimp, and Asian food: Chinese, Japanese, etc. It's so bad, I know! So many people like these things and I just can't even try it because the smell and looks get me badly enough. I seriously cannot explain why I feel like I can't just try certain foods. Nobody would understand because I don't even get it! It makes me so anxious to eat at other people's houses because I don't know what I would say or do to explain my sensitivities without sounding rude and unappreciative of their generosity. Other sensory sensitivities include needles, doctor's exams, and heights. Seriously, needles are just one little poke and it's over for many people. But for me, it feels like eternity because I cannot relax at all when the needle is poking my skin like it does! The touch of the needle is overwhelming in so many ways for some reason. I'm not quite ready to open up about doctor's exams yet. Heights are difficult because I feel this overwhelming, intense feeling of "I'm gonna fall no matter what safety measures are in place" when I see just how high up I am.

Whew! And there you have it! This is the gist of what Autism looks like for me.

Here is the link I used to quote Autism Society just so I am citing my sources properly: https://www.autism-society.org/what-is/